How to Train Your Humans

Cream colored siamese cat with lynx points laying and blue eyes on a bed
Service is so slow around here…

Lesson One: Playtime is a cat’s fundamental right

Do your humans manage to stay so “busy” that they never play with you? Do they force you to have to entertain yourself by attacking fake plants while they zone out in front of the tv for hours? Do they ignore you while you meow as pathetically as possible asking them to play with you? How should a self respecting cat respond? In this post, I’ll share some powerful tricks that will help you show those humans who’s really the boss!

Strategies of Purrsuasion

One of the most important things to remember, is that Humans really do think they’re the boss. This is partly because they pay for your house, your cozy blankies, your food, treats, toys, and vet care. This makes them feel better about not finding time to put their phones down, or turn off the tv, or put down their books long enough to entertain, cuddle, and spoil the most important creature in the house (the cat).

That’s why every now and then, you have to remind them that they didn’t choose you, you chose them (and you own them).

The first strategy of course, is to ask politely. If your human is a sensitive cat slave already, this will get his attention and awaken his desire to see you happily sprinting around the house, knocking things over and making messes that he or she will be delighted to clean up.

But sometimes humans can be downright DENSE. That’s when drastic measures are needed. One of my favorite ways to deal with this when I want playtime with my humans is what I call, Rearrange Everything.

Rearrange Everything simply means that in whatever room you happen to be in with your human, after having asked politely to play and finding they aren’t paying attention to you, You start working to get their attention in a less subtle way.

Examples:

If your human is in the kitchen when you’ve communicated you want to play, and you aren’t getting the desired response, jump on the kitchen counter and proceed from there into the kitchen window, where you may find all sorts of trinkets likely placed there for safe keeping as decoration. A smart cat, can simply “rearrange” them by nudging them with your nose, or your paw until they “accidentally” fall into the kitchen sink.

Here’s a demonstration of my employing this technique in the bathroom:

Find something on the counter (or wherever you can) to rearrange into the floor…

Select carefully for maximum response…

First, aim for the drain when possible…

The floor always works too- especially for breakables! Then, look shocked and RUN!

Most of the time that will alert them that you won’t be easily distracted. If that doesn’t get the intended result, carefully wind yourself around your humans’ feet repeatedly while they are busy in the kitchen, being sure to meow forcefully and relentlessly. This is especially effective in the middle of the morning breakfast rush, and particularly if there are kids in the house that they are trying to feed.

At this point, your human will likely do one of these three things – (either way, you win). Depending on whether or not the human is busy trying to get kids fed in a hurry, or whether they’re trying to “work from home” or cleaning, they will not be able to ignore you. They will either feed you to shut you up- (not play, but still a win)- or, they will open the door and put you outside (which is still a win), or, they will grab the first thing they can find and throw it into the other room in an attempt to get you to run into the other room. Then you’ve succeeded, because once they’ve thrown something to distract you, you of course, will bring it back and guess what? They’ll be playing with you!

yhggggggggggtr56xzsssssssssssssfffffffffgv (my legal signature)

Stay tuned for more lessons on How to train your humans.


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