Become A Cat!
- Resolve to Eat, Sleep, and play!
- Pounce on every chance to have fun!
- Find a good book to sleep on.
- Think outside the (Litter) box.
Welcome back, students. I trust you’ve all been practicing your previous lessons- yes, even through Christmas break. After all, they call it “Christmas Break” for a reason- so, if you haven’t broken anything yet, GET STARTED! What are you waiting for?
“Why Breaking?” Well this accomplishes several desirable things explained below:
1.) It immediately gets your human’s attention! and what cat doesn’t want that?
2.) If you pretend to be scared out of your mind by the sudden loud noises of having “accidentally” knocked down and broken something, your Human’s first thought will be, “Oh my Gosh! Did you get hurt!?”
Bonus points! This usually leads to an immediate inspection to see if you’re injured, followed by lots of snuggles and some treats or catnip to “calm poor baby’s nerves!” Then you get the live entertainment of watching innocently while they deal with the big mess you made. 😹
1.) If you actually do get hurt, your human will likely zip you right to the vet for a checkup and X-rays, and you know what that means… a thermometer where you don’t want it!
2.) Even if they don’t put you through a rush to the vet, if you actually get hurt in the process of your breaking something, not only will you be unhappy, but there’s no “Workman’s comp” for cats. You’re on your own, dudes.
And depending on your injury, it could severely limit or cancel your other breaking plans, and seriously cramp your style- and if they put the “cone of shame” on you, the other cats will think you’re a moron and you lose your respect as a serious cat.
3.) Regardless of whether you actually get hurt or not in the course of doing your cat duties, remember this:
Always act hurt and scared! That way, they won’t get mad at you, they’ll just feel sorry for you and they’ll want to make it all better. This always means, lots of cuddles, sympathy play, treats, better food and catnip! They may even stay home from work to make sure you’re “okay!”
*Important Note* Don’t tell your humans you heard it here!
The Can Opener opened a present from her neighbor last night and as soon as she put the box down, I fell in love with it and climbed right in to take a nap- but Sushi saw it too, and tried to take it from me. frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrddddddddd7oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii – (She just walked across the keyboard to try and stop me from telling on her- I’m lucky the keyboard still works)!
I told her right away to back off from MY box! I saw it first, and I claimed it! Well, Mom was watching, so she pretended to say, “Okay, Twilight”- and she acted really sweet, and came and gently licked my ear, and groomed me…for about 30 seconds.
Then, she heard the Can Opener say, “Oh Look! That’s so cute!”
And then, the Battle for the Box began! It went something like this….
She flattened my precious BOX! So, when the Can Opener saw that she was just trying to take my box, she told Sushi she can’t do that. I didn’t think that was going to help anything, but Sushi actually seemed to understand what she said! And she hung her head and got out and just laid down next to the box! And she hasn’t bothered me about it again!
It must be my siamese martial arts finally kicking in….I WON!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Well, our Christmas was cold and the Can Opener left us locked up prisoners in the house the whole flipping day. We were a little miffed- but we realized it wouldn’t do us any good anyway, because the turkeys took off to be with the grown critters and the itty bitty ones for Christmas.
So we decided to save our pouting and revenge for when they got back since they couldn’t see us giving them the evil-eye anyway, and we needed to save our energy for our purrfect plot. Way to spoil a cat’s Christmas! *grumble*
They left early and had the nerve to stay out until long after dark. They had the neighbor come over and check on us and give us food, and they left Cat TV on for us- but we still weren’t happy, because she didn’t serve us our whipped cream tower, or treats, and she even served me in Sushi’s dish! I can’t eat out of HER dish! I’ll get Sushi cooties! And, she fed Sushi in MY DISH!! DISGUUUUUUUSSSTING!!!!! *coughs up hairball*
And when they came home they smelled like the critters and SERAFINA AND ABBY! They were loving on them when they should’ve been home spoiling us!
Here- take a look at the EVIDENCE we found on the human’s phone!!
And then there were all these pictures of the Critters and their gifts….
Well, all this evidence means Sushi and I have a lot of work to do to retrain this Can Opener. Great. I’m getting busy! Hope you all had a peaceful, healthy Christmas- and Happy kitties!
We miss you all! Merry 🎄 Christmas!
We hope you enjoyed this little comic break- we’ve been so busy helping the Can Opener finish her Christmas gift shopping and sewing and everything else to get ready for Christmas-(and helping her get over her tooth problem)- we will be posting regularly again as soon as possible!
Merry Christmas🎄🎄🎄 Happy Holidays!
Saturday afternoon the Can Opener had an abcessed tooth pulled. We think they pulled something else too. She came home with a puffy cheek and a headace that still hasn’t gone away, and she had absolutely NO sense of humor.
Sushi and I have been trying all kinds of tricks to get her to play with us but all she does is pet us and sort of play… so I swiped at her feet. I never knew she could yelp that loud!
Sushi got mad that I did that. But come on, Sushi has been folowing her around and cuddling up with her ever since she got back from the dentist- and, in case you haven’t noticed, Sushi is a flipping WHALE. There’s not enough room in the human’s lap for both of us…
She “sort of” played with us once the pain pill kicked in- but it appears to be hard for humans to play with their cat with one hand while holding a pack of ice on their face the whole time. I wish she wouldn’t do that because it makes her look scary, and believe me she looks scary enough without it.
This is as far as her attempt to “play” went:
Fine. I’ll go harrass Sheba and hunt some mice. But when I get back, the HUMAN’S LAP IS MINE!
I haven’t figured out why yet- but for some reason the humans around here crack up every time they see me sit like this. I seriously have no idea what’s wrong with them. I’m not trying to be funny or anything- I’m just grooming myself and then I glance up for a second (to give my tongue a rest)- and they’re all saying, “Hey, Look at Sushi!” And the next thing I know they all have their iPhones aimed at me while I stare back at them wondering why their lives are so pathetic, that all they have to do is play paparazzi to the cat.
But honestly, I guess I can see why- I mean, now that I look at myself, I am pretty flipping cute. Oh my gosh. I just had a thought- WHAT IF THEY’RE GOING TO POST THIS ON THE INTERNET!!??
Oh, I know- I’ll find some other “funny” cat pictures for them to post. Then they won’t post pictures of me bathing. I mean, really, can you just IMAGINE how humans would flip out if we cats posted pictures of THEM on the internet??
I sure hope these pictures of other unsuspecting kitties will distract them from posting ME!