How to Train your Humans

DISCLAIMER: Not a lesson for the faint of heart.

Lesson 8

Teaching those Idiot Humans to Hunt

There are so many things a newly adopted (or long time) cat has to teach the humans who think they own it. For example;

  1. What food you find acceptable (this could take months or hundreds of opened and rejected cans of expensive food).
  2. The temperature you want your water to be (I personally demand two ice cubes, and filtered water from the fridge, of course).
  3. Where you want your bed to be. (Let’s make it easy, and just demand the human’s bed. They can sleep on the couch).
  4. How you like your back scratched, and how often.

My Can Opener already learned those things almost immediately. Of all the things I’ve taught her though, I realized there’s one skill she’s still severly lacking in, so I’ve been trying to teach her how to hunt.

Yeah… she’s not getting it.

I mean, I feel sorry for her. She practically lives on yogurt, berries, dark chocolate, popcorn, and fruit and salads. I figure she doesn’t hunt for berries and vegetables, and the “chicken” and other “meat” she brings home doesn’t look freshly caught to me, so I think she needs some help.

So, I started the lesson by bringing her a nice juicy mouse for her lunch. I thought she’d be so excited, but she didn’t like it at all and evicted the mouse from the house right away. I’m seriously worried about her.

I’ve thought about bringing her fish from the stream, but I can’t resist eating it myself before I can get back home and give it to her.

So, the other day when she took a walk with the critters, I did a little research and found a video that I thought would make it pretty clear what “we” were hunting for and how to catch herself a mouse.

My movie- for training the human to hunt. But she won’t watch it. Moron.

Wouldn’t you know, she wouldn’t watch it! She said it was just something to keep me company when I’m alone. Right. In fact, she got right up from the couch and made herself a cup of coffee, and acted like the whole thing was just “TV for cats!”

So after all the hours of training I’ve already invested in the Can Opener, I have to start all over again just to teach her “how to Cat.”

I just can’t believe it.


17 thoughts on “How to Train your Humans

  1. My humans aren’t good hunters, either. Oddly, Saphera and Mr. M are the best hunters and both of them simply wait for prey to run up (or down from a tree) to them…. I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t seen it over and over. Saphera specializes in rabbits – the wild type – Mr. M dinned on a lot of squirrels, so always laughed at me for feeling terrorized by the ones in the park.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Just as I suspected! If you look closely at the teeth of our human staff, you’ll notice that their teeth are much more similar to those of grazers like cows and horses!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re wasting your time. She’s already full grown. Our cousins are training their critter from the beginning and still aren’t having much luck. Humans are hopeless. Purrs, Snoops and Kommando Kitty

    Liked by 1 person

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