I’m tired of trying to get the Whale (Miss Sassypants)- to play with me only to have her swat the holy fleas off me and pounce on me. That thing is a flipping boulder. I may as well have a dinosaur stomping on me. She gets all hissy and pounces on me, so I defend myself like any self respecting cat would, then she flies to the human and acts all wounded and pathetic. That’s it!
I WANT A CHICKEN! Not fried -(they’re no fun to play with)- I want one to chase! But boy, those things sure look silly. And they run fast, and since they only eat corn they won’t be after my fancy feast or whipped cream or treats. What’s more, they can fly (a few inches)- so that promises to be a lot of fun when I chase them. I think I want a rooster. Yep. That’s it. Why?
Because a rooster can chase Sushi away from my food, and he can’t crush me! I also won’t have any more trouble getting her out of bed on her days off.
I just have to say, I have a complaint. Yep. Whether she realizes it or not, the Primary Can Opener around here is the Complaint Dept. I would think the critters have already made that abundantly clear. But somehow she remains clueless. At least where I’m concerned. Why, you say?
Well, for example, I’ve been sitting here patiently in front of the Kuerig all flipping morning, asking for a cup of coffee. But she doesn’t get it. I think that’s unfair. I have a constitutional RIGHT to the purrsuit of happiness, and I’ve been purrsuing coffee all morning and she just helps herself to a cup the size of Texas, and I have to lick whatever drippings the Kuerig leaves behind. I am not pleased. Time to get a refund.
Okay, now that I’ve got that off my furry little chest, I think I’d better introduce you to some fabulous felines (not as fabulous as me, sorry)- before my frustration boils over and I scratch her to ribbons. Then I’ll be grounded (no pun intended) from treats too. She’s so clueless.
Poor human. She really thinks I snuggled up here in the cubby on the desk just to be near her while she works on the computer! I’d be laughing if it wasn’t so pathetic. The truth is, it’s a little chilly in here, because she’s a fresh air fiend, and the plan actually was to “accidentally” dip my tail in her warm blueberry tea.
Wouldn’t you know, she happened to look over just in time to move her cup and spoil my plans. But that’s okay- because my next target is Jazlyn’s furry pen she left here on the desk yesterday. Actually, if the human hadn’t moved the teacup, I wouldn’t have noticed how irresistably fluffy it is. It’s just BEGGING to be attacked! Meanwhile, I’ll just lay here and pretend to be asleep until she gets up for another cup of tea-
Or, if I’m really lucky (and her tummy feels better), she may make some popcorn and I can help her eat it! Oh….NO!
Forget it, Sushi!
Twilight saw the furry pen! And she’ll help herself to any popcorn the human makes too- before I can even get up!
The two tornadoes are back! The big one was busy visiting with the Can Opener in between schoolwork- while she was doing that, the Tiny one started petting me and scratching my back and keeping me company.
She watched some cat videos on her phone on YouTube and tried to let me watch them with her! But I’m not really into watching cat videos, because, well, I’m a cat. I’ve already seen it all!!😹 And besides, I’m cuter than any of those videos. And my human doesn’t have to embarrass me to show it.
She even let me take a selfie with her phone!
I think I took a really good picture! Not bad for a cat!
Oh my fleas! The PURRRRRRRFECT backrub! I think I’ll keep her.BACK OFF! SHE’S MINE!
Yes, I’m back. With a lesson to help you cats train those annoying humans.
Use the other cats in your house to your advantage.
Some cats have a harder time than others when it comes to getting their humans to respond to their wishes. This is because some humans are just plain dumb -(look at politicians, for example)- and other humans aren’t trying to be unkind or careless, they’re just not paying attention to your requests and body language. So, how do you get their attention?
For example, what do you do when you’re hungry and your humans are taking their time about getting up to feed you?
First you have to remind them who the boss is. Humans have this stubborn belief that we are their pets and they are in control of everything. I say it’s time to clear that up for them – permanently.
Methods that work:
The Sweet Snuggle
Most cats try a little morning snuggle with their humans, to gently wake them up. Sometimes this results in the human smiling and immediately getting up to meet your demands requests. Sometimes cats have to go just a little further- like maybe gently licking or pawing at their humans’ faces.
The Race Track
My personal favorite, is to gently climb up on the human’s bed, then wait a second to see if she wakes up- then if she doesn’t, I immediately CHARGE up her body, then across the bed (crossing diagnonally both the Can Opener and the backup Can Opener)- and back again about three times. Usually this works beautifully.
Removing the BLINDers
BUT- If that doesn’t work, the next most effective trick is to jump into the bedroom window, being sure to part the curtains or blinds enough to let the light in. Of course, this is most effective if you have vertical blinds, as they make a loud rattling noise when you fly into them.
Sometimes however, you have to pull out all the stops-This is where it helps if there is another pet in the house. Another cat or (God forbid, a dog).
Who, ME?
This morning Sushi and I did all those things, and still our primary Can Opener kept snoozing. We found out later (unfortunately) that she’d had a hard time sleeping because of pain- Oh well, she needed to wake up anyway because we’re hungry. That brings me to the next method:
The Co-Conspirator Method
So, I decided to take matters into my own paws and used Sushi to my advantage. After charging as fast as possible across both humans numerous times, (as Sushi wailed as loudly as possible at the foot of the bed), I jumped into the window making as much noise as possible with the blinds, then waited for her to get up.
After seeing that she still wasn’t getting up, I made an “executive decision” and then pounced on Sushi from the window! MWAHAHAHAHA!
And finally, the resulting war in the bedroom woke them both up (BONUS POINTS)!
Disclaimer: Not all methods work 100% of the time. Before trying the “Removing the BLINDers” method, make sure the windowsill is wide enough to support your weight and your claws will hold. It’s also a good idea to first make sure the window is closed. If it’s open, the blinds won’t make sufficient noise.
Once again there’s not a dry spot in my yard except for inside the playset. And even then I had to climb up to the roof. Good thing I haven’t let the Can Opener trim my claws lately. That plot against the weatherman is getting more and more tempting.
The tornado didn’t like the rain either- until it stopped for a little bit and the Can Opener pounced on the opportunity to take her for a walk. Then she encountered puddles and decided that jumping in them was almost as much fun as snow- especially when it resulted in getting the Can Opener all wet too!
And then there were DUCKS!
The tornado stopped talking and tip-toed so she wouldn’t scare the ducks!!
When they got back, Sheba was outside and wanted to play!
She decided to come in with them and invite herself to lunch!
Thank God she’s working on school now. If I hear Mickey Mouse one more time, I’m going to EAT HIM!
Well, the peace and quiet around here has left the building.
Okay, Put the stethoscope away, doctor- and don’t come near me with that thermometer!
I see why the human never has energy to play with me in the evenings lately- it’s that little tornado that buzzes around the house scattering toys and laughing gleefully the whole time. But she loves me and Sushi and even though I spend all my time dodging her, she does love to feed us treats -(I know it’s a trap, so I run as soon as I eat the treats and go where she can’t reach me)!
Sushi unfortunately, either doesn’t know the treats are bait, or she doesn’t care. She falls for it every time and ends up becoming the critter’s favorite toy until she finally falls asleep wherever she happens to be.
How to Train your Humans 