How to Train your Humans

Yes, I’m back. With a lesson to help you cats train those annoying humans.

Use the other cats in your house to your advantage.

Some cats have a harder time than others when it comes to getting their humans to respond to their wishes. This is because some humans are just plain dumb -(look at politicians, for example)- and other humans aren’t trying to be unkind or careless, they’re just not paying attention to your requests and body language. So, how do you get their attention?

For example, what do you do when you’re hungry and your humans are taking their time about getting up to feed you?

First you have to remind them who the boss is. Humans have this stubborn belief that we are their pets and they are in control of everything. I say it’s time to clear that up for them – permanently.

Methods that work:

  • The Sweet Snuggle

Most cats try a little morning snuggle with their humans, to gently wake them up. Sometimes this results in the human smiling and immediately getting up to meet your demands requests. Sometimes cats have to go just a little further- like maybe gently licking or pawing at their humans’ faces.

  • The Race Track

My personal favorite, is to gently climb up on the human’s bed, then wait a second to see if she wakes up- then if she doesn’t, I immediately CHARGE up her body, then across the bed (crossing diagnonally both the Can Opener and the backup Can Opener)- and back again about three times. Usually this works beautifully.

  • Removing the BLINDers

BUT- If that doesn’t work, the next most effective trick is to jump into the bedroom window, being sure to part the curtains or blinds enough to let the light in. Of course, this is most effective if you have vertical blinds, as they make a loud rattling noise when you fly into them.

Sometimes however, you have to pull out all the stops-This is where it helps if there is another pet in the house. Another cat or (God forbid, a dog).

Who, ME?

This morning Sushi and I did all those things, and still our primary Can Opener kept snoozing. We found out later (unfortunately) that she’d had a hard time sleeping because of pain- Oh well, she needed to wake up anyway because we’re hungry. That brings me to the next method:

  • The Co-Conspirator Method

So, I decided to take matters into my own paws and used Sushi to my advantage. After charging as fast as possible across both humans numerous times, (as Sushi wailed as loudly as possible at the foot of the bed), I jumped into the window making as much noise as possible with the blinds, then waited for her to get up.

After seeing that she still wasn’t getting up, I made an “executive decision” and then pounced on Sushi from the window! MWAHAHAHAHA!

And finally, the resulting war in the bedroom woke them both up (BONUS POINTS)!


Disclaimer: Not all methods work 100% of the time. Before trying the “Removing the BLINDers” method, make sure the windowsill is wide enough to support your weight and your claws will hold. It’s also a good idea to first make sure the window is closed. If it’s open, the blinds won’t make sufficient noise.

Twilight

8 thoughts on “How to Train your Humans

  1. Thanks for the lessons……We don’t have blinds on our windows but I have found that if I scream loudly at the bottom of the stairs, my Mom will get up to see what’s going on and once she’s UP, she’s UP. I know she does wish I’d do this a little later in the morning than 3AM though!

    Hugs, Teddy

    Liked by 1 person

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