How to Train Your Humans

How To Hide what you do Outside

Greetings Fellow felines. Twilight here. Welcome to Lesson 11 of How to Train Your Humans. Today I’m going to give you some tips to help you hide your outdoor activites from those nosy pet humans of yours.

If you’re like most cats, you tend to get into a little trouble now and then when your humans finally decide to let you go out and roam freely. Some humans don’t worry about what you may be doing- others get really paranoid that you may do something to upset their neighbors. You know, like maybe using their flowerbeds for a litterbox.

A few helpful tips…

Now, of course, I know none of my readers do that sort of thing, however tempting it may be… but let’s just pretend for a little bit, that one day you’re out enjoying the sun and you suddenly have to use the litterbox. Well, your litterbox may be several houses away- (or even a few blocks away, if you’re having a really great day). What do you do? Do you try to hold it until you mosey on down a few blocks to your litterbox _(where you may discover it’s been polluted by your housemate)? Or, like any sane cat, are you going to look for a nice, well-kept, fragrant flowerbed? That’s what I thought.

First, if you see a dog in your chosen yard, forget it. They’ll sound the alarm and the next thing you know, the flipping marines will be hunting for you.

Look for a nice, fragrant flowerbed with plenty of hiding places.

Here’s an example of a great place! It even has a surprise cat treat!! *(see squirrel peeking out)*!

Now, those pesky humans aren’t all that patient about their hard work being messed up – but let’s look at it this way. You’ve got to go someplace, right? And even humans like a nicely fragranced clean “litterbox.” The trick is to get in and out quickly without being discovered – this is especially important if the owner of the yard is grumpy.

One more thing- don’t forget to watch out for those tiny two-legged critters. If there’s one of them around, it’ll be your luck they’ll see you and alert everyone before you can even choose a spot.

Feel bad about doing that in someone’s flower bed? Well, if you’re a conscientious cat, and you feel bad about it, look at it this way- You’re helping them by fertilizing their garden for them! Just think of all the money you’ll save them on fertilizer by the end of the year. And they’re helping you too, By relieving you of the necessity to stop sunbathing to run home to your litterbox. Sounds fair to me!

And, even if you get caught, you just may be lucky enough to find the owner of the flowerbed will be a crazy old cat lady who cares more about cats than her flowers, and you never know- she just may even come out and offer you tuna! Especially if you give her the big, sad (scared) eyes, and meow like you haven’t eaten in a century. It’s worth a try, right?

But if that fails, run like the lightening, fly into your house and pretend to be asleep- that way if the neighbor complains, you can pretend you know nothing about it, and your human will think they’ve confused you with another cat! MWAHAHAHAHA!