How to Train your Humans

It’s time for some more lessons on training your humans. I’d better get some coffee and get started!

Too many kittens out there have no clue.

It’s springtime- and with spring comes kitty litters! Freshly brewed cute, adorable, clueless kitties who have no idea how to grow into a respectable cat. That’s why they need me to teach them!

We cats are highly intelligent and resourceful, but a baby anything needs to be shown how to grow and thrive- and most importantly, how to rule their humans. Remember- we were once worshipped in Egypt.

So, kittens- (and cats who need a refresher course) – First, remember that humans are suckers for a cute little kitty face. Look up at them adoringly, making sure your eyes are big and innocent – (that way they won’t suspect you when you’re naughty). 😹


Next, remember to respond when they babble “talk” to you so they think you’re listening to the rules. This will increase your chances of being adopted because you’ll appear to be “trainable.”

Once you’ve convinced them you’re and adorable little innocent angel, and you get adopted you can start practicing training them!

If you practice enough, you can have them feeding you treats just because you’re cute!


If there are loud, two-legged Creatures who live in your new home, make friends with them quickly. Be sure to follow them around and sleep with them at night. Why?

1.) They have lots of toys. They like to play.

2.) They eat constantly. And they leave crumbs everywhere.

3.) They’ll leave the butter on the counter.

4.) They’ll grow up to be extra Can Openers.

5.) They’ll defend you when you do wrong.


Sooner or later they’ll decide to bathe you (it’s the grown-up human version of playing with Barbie dolls).

Just a heads up- Once you let them do this, it’s all over. They’ll think you like it and will insist on doing it for the rest of your pathetic life.

For the love of Ceiling Cat, DON’T let them do it. This is your cue to use your God-given weapons.

Teeth and CLAWS.

GOOD LUCK.


Now go practice on your un-suspecting humans and I’ll be back again soon with more lessons. ❤️☕💚


10 thoughts on “How to Train your Humans

  1. Wonderful advice. I wish I could convince more of my cats that little people are OK. Most of mine hide the whole time my great-nieces are here. XO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I bathed a new kitty ONCE…before I allowed him to come in the house…he was covered in fleas. NO way was he coming in here without a bath and flea RX. He was not impressed, but he enjoyed all the rest of his days with us…sadly it was only seven years, as he got heartworm:(
      No bath could help that…

      Your training tips are genius! Some could even be used by pups…yuppers!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Glad you liked my tips! The Can Opener did the same thing to me when she first took me in- I had been so eaten up with fleas my fur was pink! But she took me in and trimmed my claws, cleaned out my eyes, and bathed me (I was just a tiny thing then)…. Now I clean myself!

        Liked by 1 person

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