Poor human. She really thinks I snuggled up here in the cubby on the desk just to be near her while she works on the computer! I’d be laughing if it wasn’t so pathetic. The truth is, it’s a little chilly in here, because she’s a fresh air fiend, and the plan actually was to “accidentally” dip my tail in her warm blueberry tea.
Wouldn’t you know, she happened to look over just in time to move her cup and spoil my plans. But that’s okay- because my next target is Jazlyn’s furry pen she left here on the desk yesterday. Actually, if the human hadn’t moved the teacup, I wouldn’t have noticed how irresistably fluffy it is. It’s just BEGGING to be attacked! Meanwhile, I’ll just lay here and pretend to be asleep until she gets up for another cup of tea-
Or, if I’m really lucky (and her tummy feels better), she may make some popcorn and I can help her eat it! Oh….NO!
Twilight saw the furry pen! And she’ll help herself to any popcorn the human makes too- before I can even get up!
Use the other cats in your house to your advantage.
Some cats have a harder time than others when it comes to getting their humans to respond to their wishes. This is because some humans are just plain dumb -(look at politicians, for example)- and other humans aren’t trying to be unkind or careless, they’re just not paying attention to your requests and body language. So, how do you get their attention?
For example, what do you do when you’re hungry and your humans are taking their time about getting up to feed you?
First you have to remind them who the boss is. Humans have this stubborn belief that we are their pets and they are in control of everything. I say it’s time to clear that up for them – permanently.
Methods that work:
The Sweet Snuggle
Most cats try a little morning snuggle with their humans, to gently wake them up. Sometimes this results in the human smiling and immediately getting up to meet your demands requests. Sometimes cats have to go just a little further- like maybe gently licking or pawing at their humans’ faces.
The Race Track
My personal favorite, is to gently climb up on the human’s bed, then wait a second to see if she wakes up- then if she doesn’t, I immediately CHARGE up her body, then across the bed (crossing diagnonally both the Can Opener and the backup Can Opener)- and back again about three times. Usually this works beautifully.
Removing the BLINDers
BUT- If that doesn’t work, the next most effective trick is to jump into the bedroom window, being sure to part the curtains or blinds enough to let the light in. Of course, this is most effective if you have vertical blinds, as they make a loud rattling noise when you fly into them.
Sometimes however, you have to pull out all the stops-This is where it helps if there is another pet in the house. Another cat or (God forbid, a dog).
This morning Sushi and I did all those things, and still our primary Can Opener kept snoozing. We found out later (unfortunately) that she’d had a hard time sleeping because of pain- Oh well, she needed to wake up anyway because we’re hungry. That brings me to the next method:
The Co-Conspirator Method
So, I decided to take matters into my own paws and used Sushi to my advantage. After charging as fast as possible across both humans numerous times, (as Sushi wailed as loudly as possible at the foot of the bed), I jumped into the window making as much noise as possible with the blinds, then waited for her to get up.
After seeing that she still wasn’t getting up, I made an “executive decision” and then pounced on Sushi from the window! MWAHAHAHAHA!
And finally, the resulting war in the bedroom woke them both up (BONUS POINTS)!
Disclaimer: Not all methods work 100% of the time. Before trying the “Removing the BLINDers” method, make sure the windowsill is wide enough to support your weight and your claws will hold. It’s also a good idea to first make sure the window is closed. If it’s open, the blinds won’t make sufficient noise.
Once again there’s not a dry spot in my yard except for inside the playset. And even then I had to climb up to the roof. Good thing I haven’t let the Can Opener trim my claws lately. That plot against the weatherman is getting more and more tempting.
The tornado didn’t like the rain either- until it stopped for a little bit and the Can Opener pounced on the opportunity to take her for a walk. Then she encountered puddles and decided that jumping in them was almost as much fun as snow- especially when it resulted in getting the Can Opener all wet too!
Okay, So there wasn’t a “Day One,” or a “Day Two.” That’s because today is the third straight day of icy cold rain and wind, and frankly, I didn’t think about plotting against the weatherman until today. My bad.
The Can Opener says, “Twilight, you’re a little grumpy today- feeling a little cattitude?” I asked her how she’d like her clothes shredded. (Never got an answer- she just sort of suddenly decided to get a cup of coffee and go clean something). I am so tired of rain. The entire backyard (which is my purrsonal playground), looks like a lake (except for all the mud)…. and I can’t go out and play and come in and leave nice, muddy pawprints on things like I normally would. There goes the highlight of my day.
To make matters worse, there’s a flock of at least 20 big fat ducks (and a pair of geese), who constantly hang out on the bike path behind our house at stare at me through the window while the rain is pouring down on them and I swear they’re daring me to come get them. Hope mom doesn’t mind the big puddle of drool in the windowsill.
Now those aren’t the same ducks that have been inviting me to dinner since this flooding started- the human actually made me have to find a picture that looked like them (“since you can’t go out and play anyway”)- It’s not my fault she’s too lazy to put a tarp on and stand out in the pouring rain and get me a picture.
And Sushi is no help at all. She’s perfectly content to stay inside and keep the couch from getting up and walking away.
So since Sushi is too lazy to play with me and the Can Opener says she can’t control the weather, my only choice is to go after the weatherman. But How?
Our Can Opener is on a kind of vacation from watching the critters this week because the Backup Can Opener had surgery a few days ago and she needed to be available to take care of him. But today and the last two days she has been sick (with what we presume is the flu)- yesterday was the worst.
It started two days ago with sharp pains in her tummy, nausea, weakness and dizziness. She was unable to even sit up on the couch for more than a few minutes and was completely unable to eat without pain getting worse. That’s why there was no post this morning.
I’ve been following her around like a shadow to keep an eye on her, but I couldn’t get her to type for me. In fact, she really couldn’t do much of anything- but she did take care of Twilight and me- and then she did something I’ve never seen her do since I was adopted- nothing. Absolutely NOTHING.
We don’t know what’s wrong- but it looks like she’s getting better now, because her the critters’ parents dropped by some medicine for her this morning and within a few minutes of taking it, the pains stopped, the nausea stopped, and now she can eat again. Only, she still is very weak and lightheaded. We’ll be back tomorrow!
The Can Opener slept in past 7:30 AGAIN today. I was not happy. I gave my very best, LOUDEST bugle call ever, and she still wouldn’t get up until 7:45! Meanwhile, my tummy was rumbling like a thunderstorm in a rainforest, and I just know I lost more weight. I think I even lost a few ounces in my paws this time- and that could be serious! What if my paw pads melt away before she wakes up and feeds me? Not only would I lose my absolutely darling pink paw pads, but I wouldn’t be able to walk! I’d have to just plop on my side and ROLL into the kitchen!
I mean, the Can Opener is sweet and everything, and she gives me lots of love, but you can’t live on love alone! You need Fancy Feast and whipped cream and treats and popcorn and shredded cheese too! And what happens when the Can Opener malfunctions? I can’t go on this way!
Of course, when she got up she told the Backup Can Opener that her tummy hurt- and he replied that he hadn’t slept all night- (he blames the surgery on his arm Saturday)- as if having your arm sliced open is an excuse for not feeding the poor underfed cat.
At least I finally got fed- a whole 10 minutes after the zombie finally got up- but by that time I was desperate enough to eat the first spider that came along- and that’s just plain gross!
Twilight says I’m being a selfish brat- I say, “Well, DUH! OF COURSE I AM! I’M A CAT!”
Our humans believe in giving thanks and expressing gratitude in everything. Good for them. Don’t get me wrong- I (Twilight), am a very thankful cat. Here are some things I’m thankful for and why:
Claws: Yes. I’m thankful for claws. They have saved me from countless attempts to “bathe” me in a sink, which every cat out there knows is really code for “drown.”
Teeth: I’m especially grateful for teeth, because even when my claws are trimmed (against my will, I might add)- My teeth are a great backup. Besides, without teeth I couldn’t enjoy Fancy Feast and treats….and popcorn!
Redi Whip: I’m thankful for Redi Whip- You know, that purrfectly awesome yummy stuff that humans squirt directly in their mouth and then put the can back in the fridge- one day someone left it out on the counter after it was used, and I just “happened” to hop up onto the counter and I tasted it- I love it!
My Can Opener: Okay, in spite of baths, nail trims, ear cleaning, flea medicine, and all that othet fussy stuff, I guess I am thankful for the Can Opener- after all, she is the one who keeps the food coming.
The Backup Can Opener: I’m even thankful for the backup Can Opener, because if the primary one doesn’t work, there’s a backup- and because he lets me snag his oyster crackers and cheese nips.
Fancy Feast: My favorite food- but I usually give thanks after I eat, because I don’t believe in wasting a moment when it comes to eating. And last, but not least,
Treats: Another no brainer. I mean, not being thankful for treats is just plain ridiculous.
Now it’s Sushi’s turn: Let’s see what she’s thankful for
The human knows I’m used to eating at exactly 4:30 am EVERY MORNING (when she has the tornadoes coming)- so she knows that on her days off, I’m STILL going to be STARVING at 4:30- at least, if humans are half as smart as they think they are, it should be a no-brainer. Well, this morning I sat at the foot of the bed at 4:00 am when her alarm DIDN’T go off, so I could show her how loyal I am, knowing she was supposed to be up.
Well, her response was to cover herself up and turn over. Nice. Not the response I was supposed to get. So, I decided to be generous and give her another 5 minutes. Same response. I did it again- and got no response at all. This time I waited a whole 15 minutes and then yelped as if it was the end of the world- all she did was say, “Sushi?” right before she fell asleep again.
By this time, I’ve lost a whole 2 ounces and I feel weak and dizzy and can barely have enough energy to scratch. Even the fleas are packing their bags.
So now, I’m really hungry and I mean business! It took all the self control I could muster up -(and I’m a tortie, so that’s not much)- but I decided to let her sleep again…. for 10 minutes. Then I let out a pleading yelp that should’ve made her think I was dying, and still she slept!
Finally at 7:30,….
One more desperate yelp, because I’m losing weight and failing fast, and the whole room is spinning and I can’t even hold on with my claws anymore because I’m so hungry I have no strength left…. and the back-up human comes in and lightly taps her arm and she instantly springs out of bed like a flipping geyser, wide awake and walks right out of the room headed for the Keurig. I couldn’t believe it. I’m 13 pounds lighter than I was at 4:00 this morning, and she walks right by me and gets her coffee before feeding me.