Category Archives: How to train your humans

How to Train your Humans

GET OFF THE COUCH, FELINES! It’s time for another lesson on training those humans of yours!

Make them PLAY

One of a cats’ major complaints is having not having enough interaction and playtime with their human pets. Another complaint is not having enough (acceptable) toys to play with. This results in a bored (and slightly ticked) cat.

This is unacceptable for the serious cat. But our Can Openers are so preoccupied with working, keeping their two-legged critters out of trouble- (good luck with that)- shopping, and all that other boring human stuff that they don’t realize how stressed and maybe even hissed their feline bosses are.

When the humans are away, it’s vital to have some great toys to play with. Most humans don’t think about the fact that unlike them, we don’t usually have video games, iPhones and social media to keep us entertained when we get bored- and even a cat can only sleep so long.

In this picture, some of my pals show us what they do for fun when their humans forget to provide stimulating toys – They also share their toilet tissue review.


Sometimes if you’re lucky, one of those two-legged critters will leave something sitting on the counter in the kitchen that a bored cat can help themselves to when no one is looking.

With a little luck, it could be something really fun- like eggs – these are great to push off the counter. They aren’t toys, but there’s a very satisfying crack / thud when they hit the floor. And, when they break, you get a hefty snack!


Another fun idea is to check out other spaces in the kitchen- (not every human is thoughtful enough to leave eggs or butter on the counter). That’s why you need critters.

Picachu here has learned how to open the fridge. This could lead to a whole world of fun and food -(think Garfield’s lasagna)!

Or, you could just hide your trophies in there to surprise your favorite human!


P.S. You could always help the hamster escape too. Just to be kind. 😹


How to Train your Humans

It’s time for some more lessons on training your humans. I’d better get some coffee and get started!

Too many kittens out there have no clue.

It’s springtime- and with spring comes kitty litters! Freshly brewed cute, adorable, clueless kitties who have no idea how to grow into a respectable cat. That’s why they need me to teach them!

We cats are highly intelligent and resourceful, but a baby anything needs to be shown how to grow and thrive- and most importantly, how to rule their humans. Remember- we were once worshipped in Egypt.

So, kittens- (and cats who need a refresher course) – First, remember that humans are suckers for a cute little kitty face. Look up at them adoringly, making sure your eyes are big and innocent – (that way they won’t suspect you when you’re naughty). 😹


Next, remember to respond when they babble “talk” to you so they think you’re listening to the rules. This will increase your chances of being adopted because you’ll appear to be “trainable.”

Once you’ve convinced them you’re and adorable little innocent angel, and you get adopted you can start practicing training them!

If you practice enough, you can have them feeding you treats just because you’re cute!


If there are loud, two-legged Creatures who live in your new home, make friends with them quickly. Be sure to follow them around and sleep with them at night. Why?

1.) They have lots of toys. They like to play.

2.) They eat constantly. And they leave crumbs everywhere.

3.) They’ll leave the butter on the counter.

4.) They’ll grow up to be extra Can Openers.

5.) They’ll defend you when you do wrong.


Sooner or later they’ll decide to bathe you (it’s the grown-up human version of playing with Barbie dolls).

Just a heads up- Once you let them do this, it’s all over. They’ll think you like it and will insist on doing it for the rest of your pathetic life.

For the love of Ceiling Cat, DON’T let them do it. This is your cue to use your God-given weapons.

Teeth and CLAWS.

GOOD LUCK.


Now go practice on your un-suspecting humans and I’ll be back again soon with more lessons. ❤️☕💚


A New BOX! PARTYTIME!

It’s a NEW BOX – just for me! (Sushi get your own)!

A Sunny day, a new box, and the Can Opener!

When I heard the knock at the door, I darted under the bed, because it was a hard, loud knock- but a few seconds later after the Can Opener answered the door, I smelled something delicious coming from that big box. It was more of my favorite food! But then, when the bag came out, there were big sheets of pawsome brown paper inside (I LOVE CRINKLY PAPER)- And before the Can Opener walked away with the food, I pounced into the box to try it out!

I claimed it immediately! Then I hinted at the Can Opener to put some more tissue paper in it and the next thing I knew, I was having the time of my life!

Sushi, however, isn’t impressed with the box- (she has her own favorite)- So I had fun circling under the flaps of the box and swiping at my favorite wand toy (with all the pretty bows that I just can’t seem to untie- yet) … Give me time, and I’ll untie every one of those pretty bows!

Sushi on the other hand, was just watching the show. And bathing. And bathing. And BATHING…

And barking at the Can Opener to come brush and cuddle her.
Now I’m all played out. But I informed the human that the box STAYS.

The Can Opener’s Guilt Offering

A new bed to ignore!
The bed was expensive- so I can never let her see me in it. I’ll use the box instead.
That’s the reason I can’t use it.
HEY! YOU ALREADY HAVE ONE!
Don’t be an idiot, Twilight. It’s so COMFY!
She bought me one just like it.
So if you won’t use it, I’ll use it in the evenings when Mom’s on the computer.
And now I have TWO. Go use your box.

Fine! Then I’ll take this one back!



How to Train your Humans

That’s it, Human. Good little human. Now hand over the treats and you can go have your coffee.

Training Your Human and the other pests in your house

Greetings fellow felines. It’s been a while since I’ve done some lessons on training those moron humans of ours. That’s because I’ve been so busy training my humans and Sushi that I’ve barely been able to keep up with my busy napping schedule.

As you may know by now, The Can Opener around here has been trying to help Sushi the fat cat to lose weight. I don’t think it’s working. She still is the small mountain in the middle of the rug that they have to walk around. So, being the great trainer that I am, I’ve been busy trying to assist the human in training Lardbutt- How?

Well, when I encounter a mountain in the middle of the living room, I climb it. (Sushi doesn’t like that), and since it makes her mad, she sits up to swat me. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! It makes her sit up and move! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

GET UP AND MOVE!
KNOCK IT OFF, FLEA!

Sometimes that’s the only way to get her to exercise. The Human tries to play with her, but sometimes she will only play for a little bit, and the human is dealing with the small critters all day (most days) too.

THAT’S MORE LIKE IT!

Now, when you work so hard to help your human do something, you should be rewarded, right? That’s what treats (and playtime for you) are all about.

If your human is too busy to play, you can trick them into it, by head bunting them, “asking for pets” … when they start to pet you, sit there and purr for a few minutes, then gently wrap your paws around their hand and attack! Not too hard, though- if you do it too hard, they’ll get upset and stop playing. They’re a little bratty that way.

Sometimes you also have to give them some gentle hints. Like dragging your favorite toy to them and sitting there waiting for them to wake up and figure it out. This is what I had to do with my Can Opener this morning….

Now my morning is off to a good start. Playtime accomplished, training Sushi accomplished, and demanded treats given. Now I can go conquer the rest of the world!


How to Train your Human

Don’t let them do this to you!

More rules for the discerning Cat.

Today is a beautiful, warm Caturday. A nice, cool breeze, lots of sunshine, no 2-legged noise machines roaring by on scooters with music blaring from their iphones, no noisy lawnmowers, or chatty neighbors gathering to steal my human’s attention- everything is perfectly lined up for a long, cozy nap.

Well, it was anyway. The sun got a little too bright for Sushi and me, so we retreated to the Can Openers’ bed for a nice, long nap. And then, the paparazzi decided it was a great time to snap a few pictures and wake us up. We were not pleased.

That’s when I realized it was time to post another lesson for you poor unfortunate cats who can’t control those annoying humans.

If you want to be taken seriously as a cat, and get the respect of your pet humans, there are a few rules that need to be followed.

1.) MAKE IT UNATTRACTIVE FOR THEM TO DISTURB YOUR NAPS. This is beautifully illustrated by my friend, Spooky.

Great job, Spooky. You’ve got “the Look” purrfected.

2.) DON’T LET THEM DRESS YOU LIKE THEY DID ME.

I could’ve stopped them, but I allowed it just this once for the purpose of illustrating my point. Humans think it’s “cute” to dress us up for their selfish habit of taking pictures of us to post online. If they try to do this to you, do what Sushi does at the vet. It’s called “the Alligator roll.” Here it’s nicely illustrated by a random alligator. Sushi has mastered it.

Sushi follows this technique to avoid those shots and nail trims at the vet. Great job, Sushi!

3.) Don’t sleep in the pots and pans. (Unless they have meat in them- and aren’t turned on).

Oops.

I have more rules to give you, but Sushi and I are going to try again for our naps. They better not interrupt us this time, or the claws will come out!

Go away, human.

How to Train your human.

There are certain rules that any self-respecting cat should insist on.

Twilight’s Illustrated guide to the top 10 Cat Rules….

When a cat enters a new home, its critical to lay down a few ground rules that the humans are expected to follow. Here are a few of the most important ones.


Rule 1.) Never let them put you on a diet!
Rule 2.) Watch what they do online so they can’t sneak a dog in the house.

Rule 3.) Never let them leave you with Grandmayou’ll have PTSD for the rest of your life.

Rule 4.) Don’t try too hard to please them. It upsets them and then you don’t get treats.

Rule 5.) Don’t let them cramp your style!
Rule 6.) Don’t let them hog all the coffee!

Rule 7.) Deny Everything.
Rule 8.) If there isn’t a back-up Can Opener in the house, make sure they get another one FAST.

Rule 9.) Try to liven things up. Humans can be SO boring.
Rule 10.) Life is short. Leave your mark!

How to Train your Human

I DID IT! I have the Big Critter fully trained to do my bidding!

Well, I’ll be darned. Twilight’s methods WORK!

This diet the human Can Opener has me on has gotten old. I got desperate and Twilight and I had an emergency consultation. She gave me a few hints, and I applied every single one of them Tuesday when the Critters were here last.

I very carefully timed my plan, and just as I’d hoped, around the Tiny One’s naptime, Tuesday, I saw the Can Opener starting to rush around to finish up lunch and get things ready for nap-time, and since the Big Critter was at the desk attending her live classes, I wound myself around her feet, and let her know I wanted to be put on the boppy that is on top of the desk to “keep her company” while she did her schoolwork.

Of course, this worked like a charm, but what she didn’t think of, is that I could see the bag of treats had been left on the desk earlier. I had a plan to make sure she noticed it and put “cat” + “treats” together, and got the right equation. You know, that girl is good at math!

First the treats,….
Then, she asked – “Sushi’s hungry, can I feed her?”

As I had hoped, the Can Opener had lost track of time while helping the littlest Critter with her schoolwork, lunch, and getting ready for naptime, and said yes…

Oh, that’s better now.
Thanks, Critter!

How to Train your Humans

These Critters are wearing me out!

by Sushi

How to keep the Critters from Driving you Nuts

Twilight has a boyfriend now. He’s a Seal Point Siamese that lives a few streets away, and at first she used to run from him. Now she watches for him to come serenade her at the bedroom window then gives the human the big blue eyes to let her out. That’s why I’m posting so much lately- she’s always running around with Romeo. I hate to tell the guy, but he won’t get anywhere with her, because she’s been “fixed.” But at least meanwhile, it keeps her from pestering me to play with her!

Speaking of playing, the Critters are running circles around me all day long and can’t keep their sticky little paws off me.

I love the Critters, but the minute my paws touch the carpet they both drop everything in unison and race to sit in the floor beside me and compete to scratch my back and pet my head, and beg the Can Opener to let them give me treats.

Sounds heavenly, right? Not if you’re a sleepy cat who just wants some peace and quiet. And on top of that, the Can Opener put me on a diet so now the Critters arent’ allowed to load me up with treats 6 times a day anymore.

SIX TIMES A DAY (x 2 CRITTERS)- THAT’S 12 EXTRA TREATS A DAY I’M MISSING OUT ON! THIS HAS TO STOP!

I mean, Seriously? How much is a cat supposed to endure in 9 lives?


So, Here’s my “plan A” – (I won’t need a plan B)…

I’ll act like I’m starving first thing in the morning and keep yelling for food (after I’m fed). I’ll let the human put my eye medicine in (she’ll give me treats for letting her put the medicine in without shredding her)….

Then when the Critters get here, I’ll wait til the littlest one has her running all over the place, then I’ll go to the biggest one and give her the eyes and convince her I haven’t been fed or given treats yet. She’ll be heartbroken for me, and wait for a chance to sneak me another feeding and some more treats while the human is taking care of the first catasrophe the little one makes.

Then I’ll go to Human #2 (the backup Can Opener), and snuggle him and he’ll give me treats- then while the Can Opener is still working on breakfast and tea time snacks, and planning lunch, I’ll go wind around her ankles acting as pathetic and hungry as possible. If I time it just right, she’ll think she was so busy with the little Critter that she forgot to feed me, and she’ll feed me again. Or, better yet, she’ll let the big Critter “help” – and she’ll feed me twice what the Can Opener will. And sneak me more treats. Purrfect!

Then during tea time, and lunch, the Can Opener will be so busy she won’t notice that I’m eating Twilight’s food.

That’ll get me through breakfast and lunch. Then when the little one goes to sleep for her nap, I’ll climb up on the biggest Critter and start the process all over again. She falls for it every time! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! She might even load me up with Redi Whip!

I love Critters!


Twilight’s Tuesday Thanks

Man, this is a NICE bed.

We all have things to be thankful for – Here’s some of mine:

With things going crazy like they have been for months now, my humans keep saying that it’s more important than ever to look for the blessings in our lives and be thankful for what we have.

Here’s some of the things I’m really REALLY thankful for:


  • Sushi (yep). She has proven that mountains REALLY CAN move.
  • Coffee and the Bible. Yep. That’s the only thing that the Can Opener slows down for.
  • The Can Opener. That’s because she and the Backup Can Opener gave me a home when I was just a little kitten and was always hungry and cold. Now I’m spoiled rotten and I plan on keeping it that way.
  • The Critters. They lavish love and treats on me every time they’re here, and they don’t care if I’ve already been fed or have already had “too many treats.”
  • Bugs, Birds, Butterflies, and Mice. They give me something to chase and play with when the Can Opener is too busy with everyone else to play.
  • Amazon boxes. Amazon was made for cats. Cats love boxes- Amazon sends my food in boxes. Human adds thick, soft blanket and sticks it under the bed, and *poof!* Instant hiding spot when the Critters come.
  • Paper bags. Another great hiding place and fun to pounce on!
  • Sushi. (Again). Everyone needs someone to play fight with- (but she’s not usually playing).

And I’m thankful for all of you who visit my blog every day! You make me very happy!


"I leave the gift of peace with you-- my peace. 
Not the kind of fragile peace given by the world, 
but my perfect peace.
Don't yield to fear or be troubled in your hearts-
instead, be courageous!"       John 14:27