Category Archives: How to train your humans

How to Train your Humans

Yes, I’m back. With a lesson to help you cats train those annoying humans.

Use the other cats in your house to your advantage.

Some cats have a harder time than others when it comes to getting their humans to respond to their wishes. This is because some humans are just plain dumb -(look at politicians, for example)- and other humans aren’t trying to be unkind or careless, they’re just not paying attention to your requests and body language. So, how do you get their attention?

For example, what do you do when you’re hungry and your humans are taking their time about getting up to feed you?

First you have to remind them who the boss is. Humans have this stubborn belief that we are their pets and they are in control of everything. I say it’s time to clear that up for them – permanently.

Methods that work:

  • The Sweet Snuggle

Most cats try a little morning snuggle with their humans, to gently wake them up. Sometimes this results in the human smiling and immediately getting up to meet your demands requests. Sometimes cats have to go just a little further- like maybe gently licking or pawing at their humans’ faces.

  • The Race Track

My personal favorite, is to gently climb up on the human’s bed, then wait a second to see if she wakes up- then if she doesn’t, I immediately CHARGE up her body, then across the bed (crossing diagnonally both the Can Opener and the backup Can Opener)- and back again about three times. Usually this works beautifully.

  • Removing the BLINDers

BUT- If that doesn’t work, the next most effective trick is to jump into the bedroom window, being sure to part the curtains or blinds enough to let the light in. Of course, this is most effective if you have vertical blinds, as they make a loud rattling noise when you fly into them.

Sometimes however, you have to pull out all the stops-This is where it helps if there is another pet in the house. Another cat or (God forbid, a dog).

Who, ME?

This morning Sushi and I did all those things, and still our primary Can Opener kept snoozing. We found out later (unfortunately) that she’d had a hard time sleeping because of pain- Oh well, she needed to wake up anyway because we’re hungry. That brings me to the next method:

  • The Co-Conspirator Method

So, I decided to take matters into my own paws and used Sushi to my advantage. After charging as fast as possible across both humans numerous times, (as Sushi wailed as loudly as possible at the foot of the bed), I jumped into the window making as much noise as possible with the blinds, then waited for her to get up.

After seeing that she still wasn’t getting up, I made an “executive decision” and then pounced on Sushi from the window! MWAHAHAHAHA!

And finally, the resulting war in the bedroom woke them both up (BONUS POINTS)!


Disclaimer: Not all methods work 100% of the time. Before trying the “Removing the BLINDers” method, make sure the windowsill is wide enough to support your weight and your claws will hold. It’s also a good idea to first make sure the window is closed. If it’s open, the blinds won’t make sufficient noise.

Twilight

How to Train your Humans

DISCLAIMER: Not a lesson for the faint of heart.

Lesson 8

Teaching those Idiot Humans to Hunt

There are so many things a newly adopted (or long time) cat has to teach the humans who think they own it. For example;

  1. What food you find acceptable (this could take months or hundreds of opened and rejected cans of expensive food).
  2. The temperature you want your water to be (I personally demand two ice cubes, and filtered water from the fridge, of course).
  3. Where you want your bed to be. (Let’s make it easy, and just demand the human’s bed. They can sleep on the couch).
  4. How you like your back scratched, and how often.

My Can Opener already learned those things almost immediately. Of all the things I’ve taught her though, I realized there’s one skill she’s still severly lacking in, so I’ve been trying to teach her how to hunt.

Yeah… she’s not getting it.

I mean, I feel sorry for her. She practically lives on yogurt, berries, dark chocolate, popcorn, and fruit and salads. I figure she doesn’t hunt for berries and vegetables, and the “chicken” and other “meat” she brings home doesn’t look freshly caught to me, so I think she needs some help.

So, I started the lesson by bringing her a nice juicy mouse for her lunch. I thought she’d be so excited, but she didn’t like it at all and evicted the mouse from the house right away. I’m seriously worried about her.

I’ve thought about bringing her fish from the stream, but I can’t resist eating it myself before I can get back home and give it to her.

So, the other day when she took a walk with the critters, I did a little research and found a video that I thought would make it pretty clear what “we” were hunting for and how to catch herself a mouse.

My movie- for training the human to hunt. But she won’t watch it. Moron.

Wouldn’t you know, she wouldn’t watch it! She said it was just something to keep me company when I’m alone. Right. In fact, she got right up from the couch and made herself a cup of coffee, and acted like the whole thing was just “TV for cats!”

So after all the hours of training I’ve already invested in the Can Opener, I have to start all over again just to teach her “how to Cat.”

I just can’t believe it.

How to Train your Humans

Photo by Elly Fairytale (Pexels)

Lesson 6 : What to do, What not to do and When

Listen up Cats!

I’m Sushi- Twilight’s Apprentice and part-time nightmare

Another great example!
Way to Go!

Remember to look shocked!

Welcome back, students. I trust you’ve all been practicing your previous lessons- yes, even through Christmas break. After all, they call it “Christmas Break” for a reason- so, if you haven’t broken anything yet, GET STARTED! What are you waiting for?

Why Breaking?” Well this accomplishes several desirable things explained below:

1.) It immediately gets your human’s attention! and what cat doesn’t want that?

2.) If you pretend to be scared out of your mind by the sudden loud noises of having “accidentally” knocked down and broken something, your Human’s first thought will be, “Oh my Gosh! Did you get hurt!?”

Bonus points! This usually leads to an immediate inspection to see if you’re injured, followed by lots of snuggles and some treats or catnip to “calm poor baby’s nerves!” Then you get the live entertainment of watching innocently while they deal with the big mess you made. 😹

What not to do; Don’t Get hurt!

1.) If you actually do get hurt, your human will likely zip you right to the vet for a checkup and X-rays, and you know what that means… a thermometer where you don’t want it!

2.) Even if they don’t put you through a rush to the vet, if you actually get hurt in the process of your breaking something, not only will you be unhappy, but there’s no “Workman’s comp” for cats. You’re on your own, dudes.

And depending on your injury, it could severely limit or cancel your other breaking plans, and seriously cramp your style- and if they put the “cone of shame” on you, the other cats will think you’re a moron and you lose your respect as a serious cat.

3.) Regardless of whether you actually get hurt or not in the course of doing your cat duties, remember this:

Always act hurt and scared! That way, they won’t get mad at you, they’ll just feel sorry for you and they’ll want to make it all better. This always means, lots of cuddles, sympathy play, treats, better food and catnip! They may even stay home from work to make sure you’re “okay!”

*Important Note* Don’t tell your humans you heard it here!


The Boxing Match

Photo by Ann Nekr (Pexels)
Me in my cozy brand new box!

It’s MINE and you can’t have it, Sushi!

The Can Opener opened a present from her neighbor last night and as soon as she put the box down, I fell in love with it and climbed right in to take a nap- but Sushi saw it too, and tried to take it from me. frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrddddddddd7oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii – (She just walked across the keyboard to try and stop me from telling on her- I’m lucky the keyboard still works)!

I told her right away to back off from MY box! I saw it first, and I claimed it! Well, Mom was watching, so she pretended to say, “Okay, Twilight”- and she acted really sweet, and came and gently licked my ear, and groomed me…for about 30 seconds.

Then, she heard the Can Opener say, “Oh Look! That’s so cute!”

And then, the Battle for the Box began! It went something like this….

She flattened my precious BOX! So, when the Can Opener saw that she was just trying to take my box, she told Sushi she can’t do that. I didn’t think that was going to help anything, but Sushi actually seemed to understand what she said! And she hung her head and got out and just laid down next to the box! And she hasn’t bothered me about it again!

It must be my siamese martial arts finally kicking in….I WON!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!


How to Train your Humans

Photo by Olenka Sargeinto (Pexels)

How to Train your Humans: Rules For The Serious Cat

Twilight here! Welcome back! Any self-respecting cat who wants to be taken seriously needs to follow a few rules. Most people don’t realize cats actually have an unspoken code they follow that not only manages those pesky humans, but gives them status around their kitty peers. Every cat needs respect and status (just like humans)- so let’s outline a few ways to get that status.


1.) If there’s a box in the house, claim it! Especially if the humans have started using it for something important – like wrapping a present!


Welcome to Lesson 5

2.) If there are presents already wrapped, you are meant to unwrap them immediately – (those little tags with names on them all say “kitty” and are meant to attract you.)


3.) Also, those little delicate round things are ping pong balls bought especially for you to bat around the house. Bonus points if you can shatter them!


4.) At times you may find special colorful little things sitting around on trays that have a curious smell and that humans have been laboring all day to create.

They call these “cookies”- which is another word for (cat) treats. Be sure to snag a few immediately, so they don’t feel like you’re rejecting their offering.

Photo by Annelies Brouw on Pexels.com
Photo by Jill Wellington on Pexels.com
Photo by Any Lane on Pexels.com

5.) Better yet, sometimes you’ll find warm milk with whipped cream left with cookies for Santa – You’re supposed to lick off the whipped cream for Santa, because he’s allergic. Just so you know.


One last very important thing- When the humans walk away from their food or drink, cat etiquette says, You must ALWAYS taste it for them. It would be really rude not to. Serafina is quite accomplished at this so she demonstrates with her human’s cup of chicken soup.

Serafina approves!

How to Cat (Christmas Style)

Photo by Jill Wellington (Pexels)

Keep them Confused.

Act like you’re desperate to play, then refuse to take the bait.

Attack Everything.



Be too cute to be ignored.


Eliminate Temptation for the Humans.


Always be thankful!

And snuggly.

How to Train your Humans

Photo by Tim Mossholder (Pexels)

Welcome to Lesson Four: Tornado Season


Well here we go again.

The littlest tornado (critter) is here almost every day. Today before school, she decided to play Vet. Poor Sushi will be traumatized for the rest of her life. It’s obvious that Sushi was snoozing during my previous “How to Train Your Humans” lessons.

Let me show you where Sushi didn’t get it right (that is, if you want to be a respectable cat). The pictures from the “Vet Visit” say it all.

No self respecting cat should ever let a little tornado take it’s temperature. Once you let them do that, they take everything else too and you’ll never find it again.

And shots should automatically be a signal to RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Poor Sushi apparently didn’t get my memo.


Sushi sat in the Can Opener’s lap and Lily was sitting next to her as she was taking her desperately needed coffee break. Then – that fateful moment when she happened to notice the purrfect victim. Sushi.


Rating: 5 out of 5.

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How to Train your Humans

Placed to tempt you

Welcome to Lesson 3:

Meeting The Can Openers’ Christmas Expectations

I’m ready for a nap, so let’s get right to the point…

The Process and the Expectation

Okay, Students. When it comes to holidays, there are certain things humans just expect from their cats. This post is going to outline these things for you so you know how to cat on special holidays- especially Christmas which is most humans’ favorite of all.

That’s because they get to go wild spending money on things they would never otherwise do (for themselves as well as others), so that in addition to eating forbidden treats that they may otherwise avoid like the plague so they don’t add another 35 inches to their waists, they have plenty to worry about after the season is over and the New Year arrives.

This is where cat training lessons are most important. If you screw this up, no one is going to take you seriously as a real CAT.

When they’re preparing for guests

Okay, Look at the picture. What does it say? Let’s put it this way. No human in thier right mind is going to go to all this work to fix up their Christmas tree beautifully, lay out a beautiful table and fine dinnerware, and even light candles unless they want it to be noticed- and appreciated… BY THE CAT.

YES, you. An elegantly decorated Christmas tree says they want you to critique their efforts and show your approval. How? By climbing the tree, knocking down your favorite baubles, ripping away garland, and scattering it as far as possible, and most important of all, make sure there are no nosy elves sitting in the branches to spy on the guests- that’s your job.

The elegant table and glassware

  • Where possible, leave pawprints on the nice, clean table to give it that “lived in look.” This immediately makes the guests feel at home knowing the table is cat approved.
  • Be sure to tip over at least one wine glass (to make sure they’re sturdy), and taste whatever beverages are placed on it to be sure they’re not poisoned. That would just be RUDE.
  • Let’s not let those pretty, shiny plates go without your seal of approval. Be sure to actually sit on the plates, making sure to equally distribute your lovely cat hair all over them. They’ll be just out of their minds with gratitude for your efforts.
  • Be sure to check the napkins too- for sufficient cat hair.
This is a cry for help!

When the guests arrive

Remember guests expect to find all sorts of goodies laid out for them, and it’s up to you to be the quality control specialists. You know how harried and stressed those humans get when they’re working hard to impress their guests, so be sure to carefully inspect and sample everything they lay out – and if you find any treats unsafe for human consumption (say, the ham, for example)- be sure to discreetly eat as much as you can before it’s too late so the human has to replace it quickly for their hungry guests. You just may save them a nasty lawsuit.

Treats need tasting too.
One lick should do it.

Be sure to check back every Wednesday for another Lesson in “How to Train your Humans”


It’s a Snuggle-y Morning

“No more than six people” Thanksgiving gathering

The Can Openers and critters (big and little ones), had a wonderful Thanksgiving yesterday in spite of COVID restrictions- (“no more than 6 people allowed to gather for Thanksgiving”)- which the Governor proposed having people arrested or fined if they didn’t follow the guidelines. On THANKSGIVING? Luckily, there were only six of them anyway, (unless you they count Serafina and Abby)….

But what if you have a huge family like Sushi and I?

Sushi and I had to stay home while they went to celebrate at the critters’ house- and they were gone the WHOLE DAY. Honestly, Sushi and I had planned to wait till they left, then bring in OUR family for a major party… 🎉

My Great Grandma “Stripes”
My step-brother, Caracal
Sushi’s Aunt “Fussy-pants”
Uncle Lucas
Aunt Lynx

And there are so many more in our family- but they don’t want their pictures used on the internet because they’re flipping Purranoid.

It didn’t matter anyway, though- because they all forgot to get their passports in time. They tried hitchhiking a ride here but not many people pick up hitchhikers in the jungle or desert- especially if it’s a 600 lb cat that could eat them. Weirdos.

Anyway, our family is all upset because they couldn’t come- but it’s probably for the best anyway, because they all get a little grumpy when they’re hungry- especially Aunt Fussy-pants.

But over at The Critters’ House- Everything was relaxed and content.

The baby Critter’s Dad found a video by Chef Gordon Ramsay on making a Turkey … with bacon… (*drool*) – and he made the turkey that way while everybody chatted, had mimosas, (and coffee) and visited and played games.

Abby on the big Critter’s lap while she played Zelda
Serafina praying for that glass patio door to break…
Abby making sure the tornado can’t get to her
Serafina helping my Can Opener prepare appetizers
Serafina following my instructions on “How to Train your human” lesson two. 😺

They all had a blast- while Sushi and I were home alone…all. day. long.

But it’s okay- because they loaded us up with Tiki Cat and Redi Whip and treats and snuggles when they got home. And besides, Sushi and I can use this “cat abuse” to get our way for along time!!😹

The Can Opener wants to share the video for Chef Ramsey’s Turkey- it was purrfect!

Christmas Recipe: Roasted Turkey with Lemon Parsley & Garlic / Gordon Ramsay

https://youtu.be/XO5DF8soxwM

How to Train your Humans

Welcome to lesson Two

Making Sure they let you “help” at Mealtimes

The most important thing for every cat hoping to train his humans to be a decent cat slave, pet parent, is…

Make sure they know who’s boss.

This should already be well established before you plan to train them to let you “help” them at mealtimes.

One way to demonstrate you are the boss is to demand that you get fed first. That way, when they get busy in the kitchen with, say, Thanksgiving dinner- your belly will already be full in case they are exceptionally hard to distract.

Next, park at the Keurig (or whatever coffee brewer they have), until they start your , coffee. After all, cats need the stuff too, and if you’re going to be an effective trainer, you need to get your motor going.

*Just don’t let them see you drinking it*

Make sure you get fed first!



Extra points if you get lots of cat hair in the cups and on the brewer. Also, pawprints are a nice touch- particularly if guests are coming! And, if the creamer is left out- that means they want you to sample it and make sure it’s safe!

It’s also important to watch for little critters if you’re having a hard time getting into the kitchen. They’re always screaming they’re hungry, so most of the time you can easily slip in if you act like you’re just trying to play with them. Some of them will even stand with the refrigerator door open while they search for forbidden treats, and when they do, you may even be able to hop up into the fridge on the bottom shelf…. and then grab and run!

Now, for the important stuff. On special occasions, when there will be gatherings – like Thanksgiving- you definitely need to be on your best behavior.

(At least as far as the humans know). That way, they won’t think to put you out of the kitchen while they prepare the delicious turkey and pies with whipped cream and other delicacies that you can’t wait to get your paws on.

And don’t forget to make your presence known constantly by winding around the legs of the control person in the kitchen, meowing as pathetically as possible. Sometimes they won’t realize they just fed you ten minutes before and they’ll start giving you samples. If not, wait for them to leave and jump up and grab them for yourself!

You can always claim “Quality Control!”

If you should happen to get caught straddling the abandoned turkey while everyone’s busy in the other room, well,…

Hey, Can Opener- it needs water. And COFFEE!
I never saw a turkey…
You should be thanking me!