Category Archives: How to train your humans

How to Train your Humans

That’s it, Human. Good little human. Now hand over the treats and you can go have your coffee.

Training Your Human and the other pests in your house

Greetings fellow felines. It’s been a while since I’ve done some lessons on training those moron humans of ours. That’s because I’ve been so busy training my humans and Sushi that I’ve barely been able to keep up with my busy napping schedule.

As you may know by now, The Can Opener around here has been trying to help Sushi the fat cat to lose weight. I don’t think it’s working. She still is the small mountain in the middle of the rug that they have to walk around. So, being the great trainer that I am, I’ve been busy trying to assist the human in training Lardbutt- How?

Well, when I encounter a mountain in the middle of the living room, I climb it. (Sushi doesn’t like that), and since it makes her mad, she sits up to swat me. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! It makes her sit up and move! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

GET UP AND MOVE!
KNOCK IT OFF, FLEA!

Sometimes that’s the only way to get her to exercise. The Human tries to play with her, but sometimes she will only play for a little bit, and the human is dealing with the small critters all day (most days) too.

THAT’S MORE LIKE IT!

Now, when you work so hard to help your human do something, you should be rewarded, right? That’s what treats (and playtime for you) are all about.

If your human is too busy to play, you can trick them into it, by head bunting them, “asking for pets” … when they start to pet you, sit there and purr for a few minutes, then gently wrap your paws around their hand and attack! Not too hard, though- if you do it too hard, they’ll get upset and stop playing. They’re a little bratty that way.

Sometimes you also have to give them some gentle hints. Like dragging your favorite toy to them and sitting there waiting for them to wake up and figure it out. This is what I had to do with my Can Opener this morning….

Now my morning is off to a good start. Playtime accomplished, training Sushi accomplished, and demanded treats given. Now I can go conquer the rest of the world!


How to Train your Human

Don’t let them do this to you!

More rules for the discerning Cat.

Today is a beautiful, warm Caturday. A nice, cool breeze, lots of sunshine, no 2-legged noise machines roaring by on scooters with music blaring from their iphones, no noisy lawnmowers, or chatty neighbors gathering to steal my human’s attention- everything is perfectly lined up for a long, cozy nap.

Well, it was anyway. The sun got a little too bright for Sushi and me, so we retreated to the Can Openers’ bed for a nice, long nap. And then, the paparazzi decided it was a great time to snap a few pictures and wake us up. We were not pleased.

That’s when I realized it was time to post another lesson for you poor unfortunate cats who can’t control those annoying humans.

If you want to be taken seriously as a cat, and get the respect of your pet humans, there are a few rules that need to be followed.

1.) MAKE IT UNATTRACTIVE FOR THEM TO DISTURB YOUR NAPS. This is beautifully illustrated by my friend, Spooky.

Great job, Spooky. You’ve got “the Look” purrfected.

2.) DON’T LET THEM DRESS YOU LIKE THEY DID ME.

I could’ve stopped them, but I allowed it just this once for the purpose of illustrating my point. Humans think it’s “cute” to dress us up for their selfish habit of taking pictures of us to post online. If they try to do this to you, do what Sushi does at the vet. It’s called “the Alligator roll.” Here it’s nicely illustrated by a random alligator. Sushi has mastered it.

Sushi follows this technique to avoid those shots and nail trims at the vet. Great job, Sushi!

3.) Don’t sleep in the pots and pans. (Unless they have meat in them- and aren’t turned on).

Oops.

I have more rules to give you, but Sushi and I are going to try again for our naps. They better not interrupt us this time, or the claws will come out!

Go away, human.

How to Train your human.

There are certain rules that any self-respecting cat should insist on.

Twilight’s Illustrated guide to the top 10 Cat Rules….

When a cat enters a new home, its critical to lay down a few ground rules that the humans are expected to follow. Here are a few of the most important ones.


Rule 1.) Never let them put you on a diet!
Rule 2.) Watch what they do online so they can’t sneak a dog in the house.

Rule 3.) Never let them leave you with Grandmayou’ll have PTSD for the rest of your life.

Rule 4.) Don’t try too hard to please them. It upsets them and then you don’t get treats.

Rule 5.) Don’t let them cramp your style!
Rule 6.) Don’t let them hog all the coffee!

Rule 7.) Deny Everything.
Rule 8.) If there isn’t a back-up Can Opener in the house, make sure they get another one FAST.

Rule 9.) Try to liven things up. Humans can be SO boring.
Rule 10.) Life is short. Leave your mark!

I thought we had an understanding, Human.

Sushi and I are not happy.

Sit down, Human. It’s time for more training.

Since we hired you as our Can Opener, human, you were trained to be our perpetually available treat dispenser and can opener. Now we hear that you’re leaving today and aren’t going to be here for our evening treats, whipped cream and tuna dispensary. Or, for our breakfast and lunch tomorrow.

WHAT THE FLEA ARE YOU THINKING?

Is this true, Mom? Then have Sonya come play with me ok?

So, you’re going to be with the Critters and their parents…again? The last time you went over there, you came back smelling like Serafina and Abby. Did you feed them while you were there? We can smell it on you, you know!

I know you make sure we’re taken care of, but here’s the deal- you’re OUR Can Opener! And besides, we miss you when you’re gone! So pardon us while we guilt trip you for leaving us here alone while you Feast and play games with your critters. Feeling guilty yet???

We miss you! I’m MELTING!! Come home and feed me!

How to Train your Human

I DID IT! I have the Big Critter fully trained to do my bidding!

Well, I’ll be darned. Twilight’s methods WORK!

This diet the human Can Opener has me on has gotten old. I got desperate and Twilight and I had an emergency consultation. She gave me a few hints, and I applied every single one of them Tuesday when the Critters were here last.

I very carefully timed my plan, and just as I’d hoped, around the Tiny One’s naptime, Tuesday, I saw the Can Opener starting to rush around to finish up lunch and get things ready for nap-time, and since the Big Critter was at the desk attending her live classes, I wound myself around her feet, and let her know I wanted to be put on the boppy that is on top of the desk to “keep her company” while she did her schoolwork.

Of course, this worked like a charm, but what she didn’t think of, is that I could see the bag of treats had been left on the desk earlier. I had a plan to make sure she noticed it and put “cat” + “treats” together, and got the right equation. You know, that girl is good at math!

First the treats,….
Then, she asked – “Sushi’s hungry, can I feed her?”

As I had hoped, the Can Opener had lost track of time while helping the littlest Critter with her schoolwork, lunch, and getting ready for naptime, and said yes…

Oh, that’s better now.
Thanks, Critter!

How to Train your Humans

These Critters are wearing me out!

by Sushi

How to keep the Critters from Driving you Nuts

Twilight has a boyfriend now. He’s a Seal Point Siamese that lives a few streets away, and at first she used to run from him. Now she watches for him to come serenade her at the bedroom window then gives the human the big blue eyes to let her out. That’s why I’m posting so much lately- she’s always running around with Romeo. I hate to tell the guy, but he won’t get anywhere with her, because she’s been “fixed.” But at least meanwhile, it keeps her from pestering me to play with her!

Speaking of playing, the Critters are running circles around me all day long and can’t keep their sticky little paws off me.

I love the Critters, but the minute my paws touch the carpet they both drop everything in unison and race to sit in the floor beside me and compete to scratch my back and pet my head, and beg the Can Opener to let them give me treats.

Sounds heavenly, right? Not if you’re a sleepy cat who just wants some peace and quiet. And on top of that, the Can Opener put me on a diet so now the Critters arent’ allowed to load me up with treats 6 times a day anymore.

SIX TIMES A DAY (x 2 CRITTERS)- THAT’S 12 EXTRA TREATS A DAY I’M MISSING OUT ON! THIS HAS TO STOP!

I mean, Seriously? How much is a cat supposed to endure in 9 lives?


So, Here’s my “plan A” – (I won’t need a plan B)…

I’ll act like I’m starving first thing in the morning and keep yelling for food (after I’m fed). I’ll let the human put my eye medicine in (she’ll give me treats for letting her put the medicine in without shredding her)….

Then when the Critters get here, I’ll wait til the littlest one has her running all over the place, then I’ll go to the biggest one and give her the eyes and convince her I haven’t been fed or given treats yet. She’ll be heartbroken for me, and wait for a chance to sneak me another feeding and some more treats while the human is taking care of the first catasrophe the little one makes.

Then I’ll go to Human #2 (the backup Can Opener), and snuggle him and he’ll give me treats- then while the Can Opener is still working on breakfast and tea time snacks, and planning lunch, I’ll go wind around her ankles acting as pathetic and hungry as possible. If I time it just right, she’ll think she was so busy with the little Critter that she forgot to feed me, and she’ll feed me again. Or, better yet, she’ll let the big Critter “help” – and she’ll feed me twice what the Can Opener will. And sneak me more treats. Purrfect!

Then during tea time, and lunch, the Can Opener will be so busy she won’t notice that I’m eating Twilight’s food.

That’ll get me through breakfast and lunch. Then when the little one goes to sleep for her nap, I’ll climb up on the biggest Critter and start the process all over again. She falls for it every time! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! She might even load me up with Redi Whip!

I love Critters!


Twilight’s Tuesday Thanks

Man, this is a NICE bed.

We all have things to be thankful for – Here’s some of mine:

With things going crazy like they have been for months now, my humans keep saying that it’s more important than ever to look for the blessings in our lives and be thankful for what we have.

Here’s some of the things I’m really REALLY thankful for:


  • Sushi (yep). She has proven that mountains REALLY CAN move.
  • Coffee and the Bible. Yep. That’s the only thing that the Can Opener slows down for.
  • The Can Opener. That’s because she and the Backup Can Opener gave me a home when I was just a little kitten and was always hungry and cold. Now I’m spoiled rotten and I plan on keeping it that way.
  • The Critters. They lavish love and treats on me every time they’re here, and they don’t care if I’ve already been fed or have already had “too many treats.”
  • Bugs, Birds, Butterflies, and Mice. They give me something to chase and play with when the Can Opener is too busy with everyone else to play.
  • Amazon boxes. Amazon was made for cats. Cats love boxes- Amazon sends my food in boxes. Human adds thick, soft blanket and sticks it under the bed, and *poof!* Instant hiding spot when the Critters come.
  • Paper bags. Another great hiding place and fun to pounce on!
  • Sushi. (Again). Everyone needs someone to play fight with- (but she’s not usually playing).

And I’m thankful for all of you who visit my blog every day! You make me very happy!


"I leave the gift of peace with you-- my peace. 
Not the kind of fragile peace given by the world, 
but my perfect peace.
Don't yield to fear or be troubled in your hearts-
instead, be courageous!"       John 14:27

How to Train Your Humans

Welcome to Lesson 11

How To Hide what you do Outside

Greetings Fellow felines. Twilight here. Welcome to Lesson 11 of How to Train Your Humans. Today I’m going to give you some tips to help you hide your outdoor activites from those nosy pet humans of yours.


If you’re like most cats, you tend to get into a little trouble now and then when your humans finally decide to let you go out and roam freely. Some humans don’t worry about what you may be doing- others get really paranoid that you may do something to upset their neighbors. You know, like maybe using their flowerbeds for a litterbox.

A few helpful tips…

Now, of course, I know none of my readers do that sort of thing, however tempting it may be… but let’s just pretend for a little bit, that one day you’re out enjoying the sun and you suddenly have to use the litterbox. Well, your litterbox may be several houses away- (or even a few blocks away, if you’re having a really great day). What do you do? Do you try to hold it until you mosey on down a few blocks to your litterbox _(where you may discover it’s been polluted by your housemate)? Or, like any sane cat, are you going to look for a nice, well-kept, fragrant flowerbed? That’s what I thought.

Image by F. Muhammad from Pixabay

First, if you see a dog in your chosen yard, forget it. They’ll sound the alarm and the next thing you know, the flipping marines will be hunting for you.

Look for a nice, fragrant flowerbed with plenty of hiding places.

Image by teeale from Pixabay

Here’s an example of a great place! It even has a surprise cat treat!! *(see squirrel peeking out)*!

Now, those pesky humans aren’t all that patient about their hard work being messed up – but let’s look at it this way. You’ve got to go someplace, right? And even humans like a nicely fragranced clean “litterbox.” The trick is to get in and out quickly without being discovered – this is especially important if the owner of the yard is grumpy.

One more thing- don’t forget to watch out for those tiny two-legged critters. If there’s one of them around, it’ll be your luck they’ll see you and alert everyone before you can even choose a spot.

Feel bad about doing that in someone’s flower bed? Well, if you’re a conscientious cat, and you feel bad about it, look at it this way- You’re helping them by fertilizing their garden for them! Just think of all the money you’ll save them on fertilizer by the end of the year. And they’re helping you too, By relieving you of the necessity to stop sunbathing to run home to your litterbox. Sounds fair to me!

And, even if you get caught, you just may be lucky enough to find the owner of the flowerbed will be a crazy old cat lady who cares more about cats than her flowers, and you never know- she just may even come out and offer you tuna! Especially if you give her the big, sad (scared) eyes, and meow like you haven’t eaten in a century. It’s worth a try, right?

But if that fails, run like the lightening, fly into your house and pretend to be asleep- that way if the neighbor complains, you can pretend you know nothing about it, and your human will think they’ve confused you with another cat! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Remember to pretend to SNORE if they come looking for you!

How to Train your Humans

I’m cuter than Sushi. Deal with it.

How to deal with the other pets in the house

No matter what breed of cat you are, or how pretty, fluffy and smart you happen to be, there’s often another “Pet”- (aka. pain in the tush)- in the house that sets out to squeeze you out of the picture and steal the affection, playtime, and food that is rightfully yours. How does a self respecting cat eliminate that problem?

First, make it clear that you’re on to them.

Give them a look that would kill a horse (just don’t turn it on any nearby horses- it’s not their fault). That will alert them that they aren’t getting by with anything – and that you’ll get even. It’ll also serve the purpose of making the other cat (or whatever) duly paranoid.

When it comes to feeding time don’t fool around.

Be the first one to wake up your can opener by any means necessary- I find that a good strong bite on the nose is especially effective for this- but pouncing right on their eyes is a good option, too. If that doesn’t work, there’s always the option of knocking something noisy (and preferably expensive), into the floor. You’d be surprised how fast they’ll spring out of bed!

Then lead your half-asleep human to the kitchen and demand she feed you in a safer spot. Like on the kitchen counter- where the other resident flea bag can’t acess your food.

Whatever the other pet does well, do it better.

For most cats, this is a no-brainer. However, if the other pet is a dog, you’ve got it made, since most of them have marbles for brains, anyway. If the dog brings your humans’ slippers to them (for example), don’t worry about it- they probably chewed holes in them first. Just outdo him by bringing their car keys to them. Then give the dog the look that says,

I unlike you, know what they really need.

If the other pet is another cat that thinks they’re prettier than you, (like Sushi thinks of me), do some glamour shots of yourself dressed up – then prance around like you’re the Queen of England. Here’s an example. Sushi snapped pictures of herself on the human’s iPhone to make herself look smarter than me. Well, I can do that too.

Let’s see how Sushi likes THIS!

Case closed.


How to Train your Humans

Yes, I’m back. With a lesson to help you cats train those annoying humans.

Use the other cats in your house to your advantage.

Some cats have a harder time than others when it comes to getting their humans to respond to their wishes. This is because some humans are just plain dumb -(look at politicians, for example)- and other humans aren’t trying to be unkind or careless, they’re just not paying attention to your requests and body language. So, how do you get their attention?

For example, what do you do when you’re hungry and your humans are taking their time about getting up to feed you?

First you have to remind them who the boss is. Humans have this stubborn belief that we are their pets and they are in control of everything. I say it’s time to clear that up for them – permanently.

Methods that work:

  • The Sweet Snuggle

Most cats try a little morning snuggle with their humans, to gently wake them up. Sometimes this results in the human smiling and immediately getting up to meet your demands requests. Sometimes cats have to go just a little further- like maybe gently licking or pawing at their humans’ faces.

  • The Race Track

My personal favorite, is to gently climb up on the human’s bed, then wait a second to see if she wakes up- then if she doesn’t, I immediately CHARGE up her body, then across the bed (crossing diagnonally both the Can Opener and the backup Can Opener)- and back again about three times. Usually this works beautifully.

  • Removing the BLINDers

BUT- If that doesn’t work, the next most effective trick is to jump into the bedroom window, being sure to part the curtains or blinds enough to let the light in. Of course, this is most effective if you have vertical blinds, as they make a loud rattling noise when you fly into them.

Sometimes however, you have to pull out all the stops-This is where it helps if there is another pet in the house. Another cat or (God forbid, a dog).

Who, ME?

This morning Sushi and I did all those things, and still our primary Can Opener kept snoozing. We found out later (unfortunately) that she’d had a hard time sleeping because of pain- Oh well, she needed to wake up anyway because we’re hungry. That brings me to the next method:

  • The Co-Conspirator Method

So, I decided to take matters into my own paws and used Sushi to my advantage. After charging as fast as possible across both humans numerous times, (as Sushi wailed as loudly as possible at the foot of the bed), I jumped into the window making as much noise as possible with the blinds, then waited for her to get up.

After seeing that she still wasn’t getting up, I made an “executive decision” and then pounced on Sushi from the window! MWAHAHAHAHA!

And finally, the resulting war in the bedroom woke them both up (BONUS POINTS)!


Disclaimer: Not all methods work 100% of the time. Before trying the “Removing the BLINDers” method, make sure the windowsill is wide enough to support your weight and your claws will hold. It’s also a good idea to first make sure the window is closed. If it’s open, the blinds won’t make sufficient noise.

Twilight