Category Archives: How to train your humans

We’re Back- (well, in the morning)…

The Can Opener started this earlier today- but then she went to work, and after that, Sushi got her sidetracked-
Thanks, Mount Sushi.

It’s been a while- (it’s Sushi’s fault).

We’ve been busy keeping the rodent population down- (well, I have… Sushi only works on keeping those pesky blankets down). The Can Opener has a lot going on, and we’ve been telling her to get on the ball and post for us- but she’s as stubborn as ever and we can’t always get her to listen to her overlords (us) as well as she should. We are discussing disciplinary options now, but really, what can we do?

We threaten to with-hold treats from her, but she’s the one who buys everything so that doesn’t always work out. The closest we can come to with-holding her treats, is to stick our paws in her ice cream before she can dive in. But that lady is faster than lightening when it comes to ice cream.

Still, we’re working on getting this lady under control- but for now, she’s falling asleep and we haven’t had our nightly grooming and snuggles yet- so we’re going to make her give us attention now, and we’ll let her have her computer back in the morning. (Maybe)…

Look what Twilight did!

No, I’m not coming out of my box. Twilight broke it. It’s MINE!

Twilight needs a diet, Mom.

Mom, why is it I’m on a diet, but not Twilight? Look what she did to my box! She slept in it and flattened the whole side of it! And left her fur all over my favorite green blankie.

Now when I want to go hide under my bed, I have half a box left! Now I’m going to go flatten her box, and leave my fur on her favorite blankie- but you need to order me a new box, okay? And how about washing my blankie, so I don’t get her fur all over me…I don’t want Smokey making fun of me about this- It’ll ruin my reputation.

And hurry up, with that new box order, okay? She’ll come flying in any minute now and try to take it over again unless you distract her with treats. By the way- where are those treats? I want to get my share before the little flea sucks them all up on her way to my box.

Hurry up, okay?

MOL! 😹 I’m not big enough to flatten your box, Sushi! You did it!! And, I already ate all the treats!


How to Train Your Humans

Later, Sushi- I have a lesson to do.

Help them Catify!

I haven’t posted a lesson for you would-be respectable cats for a while, because I’ve had my paws full around here with the critters, Sushi, and the would-be feline home invader, Smokey.

But he got me thinking… of course, if he is lost, or was left behind by a family who moved out, he needs a home, and cuddles, and food- and of course, flea treatment (for the love of Ceiling Cat, PLEASE)!

But whether a cat moves in to a home by manipulation (Smokey is good at that)- or by invitation, a respectable cat still needs to know how to train his “owners.”

Now, Smokey hasn’t been adopted (but he sure is trying)- because the Can Opener has her paws full already -(and the whole neighborhood loves him and wants him).

But for you cats who are adopted, here are a few pointers you help you train your “owners” to your specifications.

For one, help them “Catify” the house to your liking….

Claim the computer- so you can sell the other pets on ebay and make sure they’re not looking at videos of other cats.
Once you snuggle up on a lap, don’t let them get up.
Make sure they take you surfing on demand. Cats need entertainment too.
Don’t let them back-talk you.

And make sure you tell them how to fix your castle to your liking…

Make your design choices clear to the Resident in charge. Otherwise, catification won’t happen.

How to Train your Humans

GET OFF THE COUCH, FELINES! It’s time for another lesson on training those humans of yours!

Make them PLAY

One of a cats’ major complaints is having not having enough interaction and playtime with their human pets. Another complaint is not having enough (acceptable) toys to play with. This results in a bored (and slightly ticked) cat.

This is unacceptable for the serious cat. But our Can Openers are so preoccupied with working, keeping their two-legged critters out of trouble- (good luck with that)- shopping, and all that other boring human stuff that they don’t realize how stressed and maybe even hissed their feline bosses are.

When the humans are away, it’s vital to have some great toys to play with. Most humans don’t think about the fact that unlike them, we don’t usually have video games, iPhones and social media to keep us entertained when we get bored- and even a cat can only sleep so long.

In this picture, some of my pals show us what they do for fun when their humans forget to provide stimulating toys – They also share their toilet tissue review.


Sometimes if you’re lucky, one of those two-legged critters will leave something sitting on the counter in the kitchen that a bored cat can help themselves to when no one is looking.

With a little luck, it could be something really fun- like eggs – these are great to push off the counter. They aren’t toys, but there’s a very satisfying crack / thud when they hit the floor. And, when they break, you get a hefty snack!


Another fun idea is to check out other spaces in the kitchen- (not every human is thoughtful enough to leave eggs or butter on the counter). That’s why you need critters.

Picachu here has learned how to open the fridge. This could lead to a whole world of fun and food -(think Garfield’s lasagna)!

Or, you could just hide your trophies in there to surprise your favorite human!


P.S. You could always help the hamster escape too. Just to be kind. 😹


How to Train your Humans

It’s time for some more lessons on training your humans. I’d better get some coffee and get started!

Too many kittens out there have no clue.

It’s springtime- and with spring comes kitty litters! Freshly brewed cute, adorable, clueless kitties who have no idea how to grow into a respectable cat. That’s why they need me to teach them!

We cats are highly intelligent and resourceful, but a baby anything needs to be shown how to grow and thrive- and most importantly, how to rule their humans. Remember- we were once worshipped in Egypt.

So, kittens- (and cats who need a refresher course) – First, remember that humans are suckers for a cute little kitty face. Look up at them adoringly, making sure your eyes are big and innocent – (that way they won’t suspect you when you’re naughty). 😹


Next, remember to respond when they babble “talk” to you so they think you’re listening to the rules. This will increase your chances of being adopted because you’ll appear to be “trainable.”

Once you’ve convinced them you’re and adorable little innocent angel, and you get adopted you can start practicing training them!

If you practice enough, you can have them feeding you treats just because you’re cute!


If there are loud, two-legged Creatures who live in your new home, make friends with them quickly. Be sure to follow them around and sleep with them at night. Why?

1.) They have lots of toys. They like to play.

2.) They eat constantly. And they leave crumbs everywhere.

3.) They’ll leave the butter on the counter.

4.) They’ll grow up to be extra Can Openers.

5.) They’ll defend you when you do wrong.


Sooner or later they’ll decide to bathe you (it’s the grown-up human version of playing with Barbie dolls).

Just a heads up- Once you let them do this, it’s all over. They’ll think you like it and will insist on doing it for the rest of your pathetic life.

For the love of Ceiling Cat, DON’T let them do it. This is your cue to use your God-given weapons.

Teeth and CLAWS.

GOOD LUCK.


Now go practice on your un-suspecting humans and I’ll be back again soon with more lessons. ❤️☕💚


A New BOX! PARTYTIME!

It’s a NEW BOX – just for me! (Sushi get your own)!

A Sunny day, a new box, and the Can Opener!

When I heard the knock at the door, I darted under the bed, because it was a hard, loud knock- but a few seconds later after the Can Opener answered the door, I smelled something delicious coming from that big box. It was more of my favorite food! But then, when the bag came out, there were big sheets of pawsome brown paper inside (I LOVE CRINKLY PAPER)- And before the Can Opener walked away with the food, I pounced into the box to try it out!

I claimed it immediately! Then I hinted at the Can Opener to put some more tissue paper in it and the next thing I knew, I was having the time of my life!

Sushi, however, isn’t impressed with the box- (she has her own favorite)- So I had fun circling under the flaps of the box and swiping at my favorite wand toy (with all the pretty bows that I just can’t seem to untie- yet) … Give me time, and I’ll untie every one of those pretty bows!

Sushi on the other hand, was just watching the show. And bathing. And bathing. And BATHING…

And barking at the Can Opener to come brush and cuddle her.
Now I’m all played out. But I informed the human that the box STAYS.

The Can Opener’s Guilt Offering

A new bed to ignore!
The bed was expensive- so I can never let her see me in it. I’ll use the box instead.
That’s the reason I can’t use it.
HEY! YOU ALREADY HAVE ONE!
Don’t be an idiot, Twilight. It’s so COMFY!
She bought me one just like it.
So if you won’t use it, I’ll use it in the evenings when Mom’s on the computer.
And now I have TWO. Go use your box.

Fine! Then I’ll take this one back!



How to Train your Humans

That’s it, Human. Good little human. Now hand over the treats and you can go have your coffee.

Training Your Human and the other pests in your house

Greetings fellow felines. It’s been a while since I’ve done some lessons on training those moron humans of ours. That’s because I’ve been so busy training my humans and Sushi that I’ve barely been able to keep up with my busy napping schedule.

As you may know by now, The Can Opener around here has been trying to help Sushi the fat cat to lose weight. I don’t think it’s working. She still is the small mountain in the middle of the rug that they have to walk around. So, being the great trainer that I am, I’ve been busy trying to assist the human in training Lardbutt- How?

Well, when I encounter a mountain in the middle of the living room, I climb it. (Sushi doesn’t like that), and since it makes her mad, she sits up to swat me. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! It makes her sit up and move! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

GET UP AND MOVE!
KNOCK IT OFF, FLEA!

Sometimes that’s the only way to get her to exercise. The Human tries to play with her, but sometimes she will only play for a little bit, and the human is dealing with the small critters all day (most days) too.

THAT’S MORE LIKE IT!

Now, when you work so hard to help your human do something, you should be rewarded, right? That’s what treats (and playtime for you) are all about.

If your human is too busy to play, you can trick them into it, by head bunting them, “asking for pets” … when they start to pet you, sit there and purr for a few minutes, then gently wrap your paws around their hand and attack! Not too hard, though- if you do it too hard, they’ll get upset and stop playing. They’re a little bratty that way.

Sometimes you also have to give them some gentle hints. Like dragging your favorite toy to them and sitting there waiting for them to wake up and figure it out. This is what I had to do with my Can Opener this morning….

Now my morning is off to a good start. Playtime accomplished, training Sushi accomplished, and demanded treats given. Now I can go conquer the rest of the world!


How to Train your Human

Don’t let them do this to you!

More rules for the discerning Cat.

Today is a beautiful, warm Caturday. A nice, cool breeze, lots of sunshine, no 2-legged noise machines roaring by on scooters with music blaring from their iphones, no noisy lawnmowers, or chatty neighbors gathering to steal my human’s attention- everything is perfectly lined up for a long, cozy nap.

Well, it was anyway. The sun got a little too bright for Sushi and me, so we retreated to the Can Openers’ bed for a nice, long nap. And then, the paparazzi decided it was a great time to snap a few pictures and wake us up. We were not pleased.

That’s when I realized it was time to post another lesson for you poor unfortunate cats who can’t control those annoying humans.

If you want to be taken seriously as a cat, and get the respect of your pet humans, there are a few rules that need to be followed.

1.) MAKE IT UNATTRACTIVE FOR THEM TO DISTURB YOUR NAPS. This is beautifully illustrated by my friend, Spooky.

Great job, Spooky. You’ve got “the Look” purrfected.

2.) DON’T LET THEM DRESS YOU LIKE THEY DID ME.

I could’ve stopped them, but I allowed it just this once for the purpose of illustrating my point. Humans think it’s “cute” to dress us up for their selfish habit of taking pictures of us to post online. If they try to do this to you, do what Sushi does at the vet. It’s called “the Alligator roll.” Here it’s nicely illustrated by a random alligator. Sushi has mastered it.

Sushi follows this technique to avoid those shots and nail trims at the vet. Great job, Sushi!

3.) Don’t sleep in the pots and pans. (Unless they have meat in them- and aren’t turned on).

Oops.

I have more rules to give you, but Sushi and I are going to try again for our naps. They better not interrupt us this time, or the claws will come out!

Go away, human.

How to Train your human.

There are certain rules that any self-respecting cat should insist on.

Twilight’s Illustrated guide to the top 10 Cat Rules….

When a cat enters a new home, its critical to lay down a few ground rules that the humans are expected to follow. Here are a few of the most important ones.


Rule 1.) Never let them put you on a diet!
Rule 2.) Watch what they do online so they can’t sneak a dog in the house.

Rule 3.) Never let them leave you with Grandmayou’ll have PTSD for the rest of your life.

Rule 4.) Don’t try too hard to please them. It upsets them and then you don’t get treats.

Rule 5.) Don’t let them cramp your style!
Rule 6.) Don’t let them hog all the coffee!

Rule 7.) Deny Everything.
Rule 8.) If there isn’t a back-up Can Opener in the house, make sure they get another one FAST.

Rule 9.) Try to liven things up. Humans can be SO boring.
Rule 10.) Life is short. Leave your mark!