Category Archives: How to train your humans

How to Train your Human

I DID IT! I have the Big Critter fully trained to do my bidding!

Well, I’ll be darned. Twilight’s methods WORK!

This diet the human Can Opener has me on has gotten old. I got desperate and Twilight and I had an emergency consultation. She gave me a few hints, and I applied every single one of them Tuesday when the Critters were here last.

I very carefully timed my plan, and just as I’d hoped, around the Tiny One’s naptime, Tuesday, I saw the Can Opener starting to rush around to finish up lunch and get things ready for nap-time, and since the Big Critter was at the desk attending her live classes, I wound myself around her feet, and let her know I wanted to be put on the boppy that is on top of the desk to “keep her company” while she did her schoolwork.

Of course, this worked like a charm, but what she didn’t think of, is that I could see the bag of treats had been left on the desk earlier. I had a plan to make sure she noticed it and put “cat” + “treats” together, and got the right equation. You know, that girl is good at math!

First the treats,….
Then, she asked – “Sushi’s hungry, can I feed her?”

As I had hoped, the Can Opener had lost track of time while helping the littlest Critter with her schoolwork, lunch, and getting ready for naptime, and said yes…

Oh, that’s better now.
Thanks, Critter!

How to Train your Humans

These Critters are wearing me out!

by Sushi

How to keep the Critters from Driving you Nuts

Twilight has a boyfriend now. He’s a Seal Point Siamese that lives a few streets away, and at first she used to run from him. Now she watches for him to come serenade her at the bedroom window then gives the human the big blue eyes to let her out. That’s why I’m posting so much lately- she’s always running around with Romeo. I hate to tell the guy, but he won’t get anywhere with her, because she’s been “fixed.” But at least meanwhile, it keeps her from pestering me to play with her!

Speaking of playing, the Critters are running circles around me all day long and can’t keep their sticky little paws off me.

I love the Critters, but the minute my paws touch the carpet they both drop everything in unison and race to sit in the floor beside me and compete to scratch my back and pet my head, and beg the Can Opener to let them give me treats.

Sounds heavenly, right? Not if you’re a sleepy cat who just wants some peace and quiet. And on top of that, the Can Opener put me on a diet so now the Critters arent’ allowed to load me up with treats 6 times a day anymore.

SIX TIMES A DAY (x 2 CRITTERS)- THAT’S 12 EXTRA TREATS A DAY I’M MISSING OUT ON! THIS HAS TO STOP!

I mean, Seriously? How much is a cat supposed to endure in 9 lives?


So, Here’s my “plan A” – (I won’t need a plan B)…

I’ll act like I’m starving first thing in the morning and keep yelling for food (after I’m fed). I’ll let the human put my eye medicine in (she’ll give me treats for letting her put the medicine in without shredding her)….

Then when the Critters get here, I’ll wait til the littlest one has her running all over the place, then I’ll go to the biggest one and give her the eyes and convince her I haven’t been fed or given treats yet. She’ll be heartbroken for me, and wait for a chance to sneak me another feeding and some more treats while the human is taking care of the first catasrophe the little one makes.

Then I’ll go to Human #2 (the backup Can Opener), and snuggle him and he’ll give me treats- then while the Can Opener is still working on breakfast and tea time snacks, and planning lunch, I’ll go wind around her ankles acting as pathetic and hungry as possible. If I time it just right, she’ll think she was so busy with the little Critter that she forgot to feed me, and she’ll feed me again. Or, better yet, she’ll let the big Critter “help” – and she’ll feed me twice what the Can Opener will. And sneak me more treats. Purrfect!

Then during tea time, and lunch, the Can Opener will be so busy she won’t notice that I’m eating Twilight’s food.

That’ll get me through breakfast and lunch. Then when the little one goes to sleep for her nap, I’ll climb up on the biggest Critter and start the process all over again. She falls for it every time! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! She might even load me up with Redi Whip!

I love Critters!


Twilight’s Tuesday Thanks

Man, this is a NICE bed.

We all have things to be thankful for – Here’s some of mine:

With things going crazy like they have been for months now, my humans keep saying that it’s more important than ever to look for the blessings in our lives and be thankful for what we have.

Here’s some of the things I’m really REALLY thankful for:


  • Sushi (yep). She has proven that mountains REALLY CAN move.
  • Coffee and the Bible. Yep. That’s the only thing that the Can Opener slows down for.
  • The Can Opener. That’s because she and the Backup Can Opener gave me a home when I was just a little kitten and was always hungry and cold. Now I’m spoiled rotten and I plan on keeping it that way.
  • The Critters. They lavish love and treats on me every time they’re here, and they don’t care if I’ve already been fed or have already had “too many treats.”
  • Bugs, Birds, Butterflies, and Mice. They give me something to chase and play with when the Can Opener is too busy with everyone else to play.
  • Amazon boxes. Amazon was made for cats. Cats love boxes- Amazon sends my food in boxes. Human adds thick, soft blanket and sticks it under the bed, and *poof!* Instant hiding spot when the Critters come.
  • Paper bags. Another great hiding place and fun to pounce on!
  • Sushi. (Again). Everyone needs someone to play fight with- (but she’s not usually playing).

And I’m thankful for all of you who visit my blog every day! You make me very happy!


"I leave the gift of peace with you-- my peace. 
Not the kind of fragile peace given by the world, 
but my perfect peace.
Don't yield to fear or be troubled in your hearts-
instead, be courageous!"       John 14:27

How to Train Your Humans

Welcome to Lesson 11

How To Hide what you do Outside

Greetings Fellow felines. Twilight here. Welcome to Lesson 11 of How to Train Your Humans. Today I’m going to give you some tips to help you hide your outdoor activites from those nosy pet humans of yours.


If you’re like most cats, you tend to get into a little trouble now and then when your humans finally decide to let you go out and roam freely. Some humans don’t worry about what you may be doing- others get really paranoid that you may do something to upset their neighbors. You know, like maybe using their flowerbeds for a litterbox.

A few helpful tips…

Now, of course, I know none of my readers do that sort of thing, however tempting it may be… but let’s just pretend for a little bit, that one day you’re out enjoying the sun and you suddenly have to use the litterbox. Well, your litterbox may be several houses away- (or even a few blocks away, if you’re having a really great day). What do you do? Do you try to hold it until you mosey on down a few blocks to your litterbox _(where you may discover it’s been polluted by your housemate)? Or, like any sane cat, are you going to look for a nice, well-kept, fragrant flowerbed? That’s what I thought.

Image by F. Muhammad from Pixabay

First, if you see a dog in your chosen yard, forget it. They’ll sound the alarm and the next thing you know, the flipping marines will be hunting for you.

Look for a nice, fragrant flowerbed with plenty of hiding places.

Image by teeale from Pixabay

Here’s an example of a great place! It even has a surprise cat treat!! *(see squirrel peeking out)*!

Now, those pesky humans aren’t all that patient about their hard work being messed up – but let’s look at it this way. You’ve got to go someplace, right? And even humans like a nicely fragranced clean “litterbox.” The trick is to get in and out quickly without being discovered – this is especially important if the owner of the yard is grumpy.

One more thing- don’t forget to watch out for those tiny two-legged critters. If there’s one of them around, it’ll be your luck they’ll see you and alert everyone before you can even choose a spot.

Feel bad about doing that in someone’s flower bed? Well, if you’re a conscientious cat, and you feel bad about it, look at it this way- You’re helping them by fertilizing their garden for them! Just think of all the money you’ll save them on fertilizer by the end of the year. And they’re helping you too, By relieving you of the necessity to stop sunbathing to run home to your litterbox. Sounds fair to me!

And, even if you get caught, you just may be lucky enough to find the owner of the flowerbed will be a crazy old cat lady who cares more about cats than her flowers, and you never know- she just may even come out and offer you tuna! Especially if you give her the big, sad (scared) eyes, and meow like you haven’t eaten in a century. It’s worth a try, right?

But if that fails, run like the lightening, fly into your house and pretend to be asleep- that way if the neighbor complains, you can pretend you know nothing about it, and your human will think they’ve confused you with another cat! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Remember to pretend to SNORE if they come looking for you!

How to Train your Humans

I’m cuter than Sushi. Deal with it.

How to deal with the other pets in the house

No matter what breed of cat you are, or how pretty, fluffy and smart you happen to be, there’s often another “Pet”- (aka. pain in the tush)- in the house that sets out to squeeze you out of the picture and steal the affection, playtime, and food that is rightfully yours. How does a self respecting cat eliminate that problem?

First, make it clear that you’re on to them.

Give them a look that would kill a horse (just don’t turn it on any nearby horses- it’s not their fault). That will alert them that they aren’t getting by with anything – and that you’ll get even. It’ll also serve the purpose of making the other cat (or whatever) duly paranoid.

When it comes to feeding time don’t fool around.

Be the first one to wake up your can opener by any means necessary- I find that a good strong bite on the nose is especially effective for this- but pouncing right on their eyes is a good option, too. If that doesn’t work, there’s always the option of knocking something noisy (and preferably expensive), into the floor. You’d be surprised how fast they’ll spring out of bed!

Then lead your half-asleep human to the kitchen and demand she feed you in a safer spot. Like on the kitchen counter- where the other resident flea bag can’t acess your food.

Whatever the other pet does well, do it better.

For most cats, this is a no-brainer. However, if the other pet is a dog, you’ve got it made, since most of them have marbles for brains, anyway. If the dog brings your humans’ slippers to them (for example), don’t worry about it- they probably chewed holes in them first. Just outdo him by bringing their car keys to them. Then give the dog the look that says,

I unlike you, know what they really need.

If the other pet is another cat that thinks they’re prettier than you, (like Sushi thinks of me), do some glamour shots of yourself dressed up – then prance around like you’re the Queen of England. Here’s an example. Sushi snapped pictures of herself on the human’s iPhone to make herself look smarter than me. Well, I can do that too.

Let’s see how Sushi likes THIS!

Case closed.


How to Train your Humans

Yes, I’m back. With a lesson to help you cats train those annoying humans.

Use the other cats in your house to your advantage.

Some cats have a harder time than others when it comes to getting their humans to respond to their wishes. This is because some humans are just plain dumb -(look at politicians, for example)- and other humans aren’t trying to be unkind or careless, they’re just not paying attention to your requests and body language. So, how do you get their attention?

For example, what do you do when you’re hungry and your humans are taking their time about getting up to feed you?

First you have to remind them who the boss is. Humans have this stubborn belief that we are their pets and they are in control of everything. I say it’s time to clear that up for them – permanently.

Methods that work:

  • The Sweet Snuggle

Most cats try a little morning snuggle with their humans, to gently wake them up. Sometimes this results in the human smiling and immediately getting up to meet your demands requests. Sometimes cats have to go just a little further- like maybe gently licking or pawing at their humans’ faces.

  • The Race Track

My personal favorite, is to gently climb up on the human’s bed, then wait a second to see if she wakes up- then if she doesn’t, I immediately CHARGE up her body, then across the bed (crossing diagnonally both the Can Opener and the backup Can Opener)- and back again about three times. Usually this works beautifully.

  • Removing the BLINDers

BUT- If that doesn’t work, the next most effective trick is to jump into the bedroom window, being sure to part the curtains or blinds enough to let the light in. Of course, this is most effective if you have vertical blinds, as they make a loud rattling noise when you fly into them.

Sometimes however, you have to pull out all the stops-This is where it helps if there is another pet in the house. Another cat or (God forbid, a dog).

Who, ME?

This morning Sushi and I did all those things, and still our primary Can Opener kept snoozing. We found out later (unfortunately) that she’d had a hard time sleeping because of pain- Oh well, she needed to wake up anyway because we’re hungry. That brings me to the next method:

  • The Co-Conspirator Method

So, I decided to take matters into my own paws and used Sushi to my advantage. After charging as fast as possible across both humans numerous times, (as Sushi wailed as loudly as possible at the foot of the bed), I jumped into the window making as much noise as possible with the blinds, then waited for her to get up.

After seeing that she still wasn’t getting up, I made an “executive decision” and then pounced on Sushi from the window! MWAHAHAHAHA!

And finally, the resulting war in the bedroom woke them both up (BONUS POINTS)!


Disclaimer: Not all methods work 100% of the time. Before trying the “Removing the BLINDers” method, make sure the windowsill is wide enough to support your weight and your claws will hold. It’s also a good idea to first make sure the window is closed. If it’s open, the blinds won’t make sufficient noise.

Twilight

How to Train your Humans

DISCLAIMER: Not a lesson for the faint of heart.

Lesson 8

Teaching those Idiot Humans to Hunt

There are so many things a newly adopted (or long time) cat has to teach the humans who think they own it. For example;

  1. What food you find acceptable (this could take months or hundreds of opened and rejected cans of expensive food).
  2. The temperature you want your water to be (I personally demand two ice cubes, and filtered water from the fridge, of course).
  3. Where you want your bed to be. (Let’s make it easy, and just demand the human’s bed. They can sleep on the couch).
  4. How you like your back scratched, and how often.

My Can Opener already learned those things almost immediately. Of all the things I’ve taught her though, I realized there’s one skill she’s still severly lacking in, so I’ve been trying to teach her how to hunt.

Yeah… she’s not getting it.

I mean, I feel sorry for her. She practically lives on yogurt, berries, dark chocolate, popcorn, and fruit and salads. I figure she doesn’t hunt for berries and vegetables, and the “chicken” and other “meat” she brings home doesn’t look freshly caught to me, so I think she needs some help.

So, I started the lesson by bringing her a nice juicy mouse for her lunch. I thought she’d be so excited, but she didn’t like it at all and evicted the mouse from the house right away. I’m seriously worried about her.

I’ve thought about bringing her fish from the stream, but I can’t resist eating it myself before I can get back home and give it to her.

So, the other day when she took a walk with the critters, I did a little research and found a video that I thought would make it pretty clear what “we” were hunting for and how to catch herself a mouse.

My movie- for training the human to hunt. But she won’t watch it. Moron.

Wouldn’t you know, she wouldn’t watch it! She said it was just something to keep me company when I’m alone. Right. In fact, she got right up from the couch and made herself a cup of coffee, and acted like the whole thing was just “TV for cats!”

So after all the hours of training I’ve already invested in the Can Opener, I have to start all over again just to teach her “how to Cat.”

I just can’t believe it.

How to Train your Humans

Photo by Elly Fairytale (Pexels)

Lesson 6 : What to do, What not to do and When

Listen up Cats!

I’m Sushi- Twilight’s Apprentice and part-time nightmare

Another great example!
Way to Go!

Remember to look shocked!

Welcome back, students. I trust you’ve all been practicing your previous lessons- yes, even through Christmas break. After all, they call it “Christmas Break” for a reason- so, if you haven’t broken anything yet, GET STARTED! What are you waiting for?

Why Breaking?” Well this accomplishes several desirable things explained below:

1.) It immediately gets your human’s attention! and what cat doesn’t want that?

2.) If you pretend to be scared out of your mind by the sudden loud noises of having “accidentally” knocked down and broken something, your Human’s first thought will be, “Oh my Gosh! Did you get hurt!?”

Bonus points! This usually leads to an immediate inspection to see if you’re injured, followed by lots of snuggles and some treats or catnip to “calm poor baby’s nerves!” Then you get the live entertainment of watching innocently while they deal with the big mess you made. 😹

What not to do; Don’t Get hurt!

1.) If you actually do get hurt, your human will likely zip you right to the vet for a checkup and X-rays, and you know what that means… a thermometer where you don’t want it!

2.) Even if they don’t put you through a rush to the vet, if you actually get hurt in the process of your breaking something, not only will you be unhappy, but there’s no “Workman’s comp” for cats. You’re on your own, dudes.

And depending on your injury, it could severely limit or cancel your other breaking plans, and seriously cramp your style- and if they put the “cone of shame” on you, the other cats will think you’re a moron and you lose your respect as a serious cat.

3.) Regardless of whether you actually get hurt or not in the course of doing your cat duties, remember this:

Always act hurt and scared! That way, they won’t get mad at you, they’ll just feel sorry for you and they’ll want to make it all better. This always means, lots of cuddles, sympathy play, treats, better food and catnip! They may even stay home from work to make sure you’re “okay!”

*Important Note* Don’t tell your humans you heard it here!


The Boxing Match

Photo by Ann Nekr (Pexels)
Me in my cozy brand new box!

It’s MINE and you can’t have it, Sushi!

The Can Opener opened a present from her neighbor last night and as soon as she put the box down, I fell in love with it and climbed right in to take a nap- but Sushi saw it too, and tried to take it from me. frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrddddddddd7oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii – (She just walked across the keyboard to try and stop me from telling on her- I’m lucky the keyboard still works)!

I told her right away to back off from MY box! I saw it first, and I claimed it! Well, Mom was watching, so she pretended to say, “Okay, Twilight”- and she acted really sweet, and came and gently licked my ear, and groomed me…for about 30 seconds.

Then, she heard the Can Opener say, “Oh Look! That’s so cute!”

And then, the Battle for the Box began! It went something like this….

She flattened my precious BOX! So, when the Can Opener saw that she was just trying to take my box, she told Sushi she can’t do that. I didn’t think that was going to help anything, but Sushi actually seemed to understand what she said! And she hung her head and got out and just laid down next to the box! And she hasn’t bothered me about it again!

It must be my siamese martial arts finally kicking in….I WON!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!


How to Train your Humans

Photo by Olenka Sargeinto (Pexels)

How to Train your Humans: Rules For The Serious Cat

Twilight here! Welcome back! Any self-respecting cat who wants to be taken seriously needs to follow a few rules. Most people don’t realize cats actually have an unspoken code they follow that not only manages those pesky humans, but gives them status around their kitty peers. Every cat needs respect and status (just like humans)- so let’s outline a few ways to get that status.


1.) If there’s a box in the house, claim it! Especially if the humans have started using it for something important – like wrapping a present!


Welcome to Lesson 5

2.) If there are presents already wrapped, you are meant to unwrap them immediately – (those little tags with names on them all say “kitty” and are meant to attract you.)


3.) Also, those little delicate round things are ping pong balls bought especially for you to bat around the house. Bonus points if you can shatter them!


4.) At times you may find special colorful little things sitting around on trays that have a curious smell and that humans have been laboring all day to create.

They call these “cookies”- which is another word for (cat) treats. Be sure to snag a few immediately, so they don’t feel like you’re rejecting their offering.

Photo by Annelies Brouw on Pexels.com
Photo by Jill Wellington on Pexels.com
Photo by Any Lane on Pexels.com

5.) Better yet, sometimes you’ll find warm milk with whipped cream left with cookies for Santa – You’re supposed to lick off the whipped cream for Santa, because he’s allergic. Just so you know.


One last very important thing- When the humans walk away from their food or drink, cat etiquette says, You must ALWAYS taste it for them. It would be really rude not to. Serafina is quite accomplished at this so she demonstrates with her human’s cup of chicken soup.

Serafina approves!