Keep them Confused.
Attack Everything.
Be too cute to be ignored.
Eliminate Temptation for the Humans.
Always be thankful!
How to Cat (Christmas Style)
Category Archives: How to train your humans
How to Train your Humans
Welcome to Lesson Four: Tornado Season
The littlest tornado (critter) is here almost every day. Today before school, she decided to play Vet. Poor Sushi will be traumatized for the rest of her life. It’s obvious that Sushi was snoozing during my previous “How to Train Your Humans” lessons.
Let me show you where Sushi didn’t get it right (that is, if you want to be a respectable cat). The pictures from the “Vet Visit” say it all.
No self respecting cat should ever let a little tornado take it’s temperature. Once you let them do that, they take everything else too and you’ll never find it again.
And shots should automatically be a signal to RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Poor Sushi apparently didn’t get my memo.
Sushi sat in the Can Opener’s lap and Lily was sitting next to her as she was taking her desperately needed coffee break. Then – that fateful moment when she happened to notice the purrfect victim. Sushi.
Poor unsuspecting Sushi. 
I didn’t know Sushi’s heart was on her head! 
Now it’s time for a bandaid because Sushi’s “Bleeding!” 
She must’ve sprung a leak on her back- the bandaid got moved. 
Then she noticed the “sick” teddy bear…. 
Then went back to cutting Sushi’s hair! 
Uh oh. Time for a shot- of God-Knows- what! 
Oh no. Now a shot in the ear, too. 
AND a shot in her other paw… 
Oh no. Now she’s afflicted with a “FEVER!” 
Lucky for Sushi, Mr. Teddy has “amnesia” and a fever and needs critical care giving Sushi a chance to escape. But did she?
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How to Train your Humans
Welcome to Lesson 3:
Meeting The Can Openers’ Christmas Expectations
The Process and the Expectation
Okay, Students. When it comes to holidays, there are certain things humans just expect from their cats. This post is going to outline these things for you so you know how to cat on special holidays- especially Christmas which is most humans’ favorite of all.
That’s because they get to go wild spending money on things they would never otherwise do (for themselves as well as others), so that in addition to eating forbidden treats that they may otherwise avoid like the plague so they don’t add another 35 inches to their waists, they have plenty to worry about after the season is over and the New Year arrives.
This is where cat training lessons are most important. If you screw this up, no one is going to take you seriously as a real CAT.
When they’re preparing for guests
Okay, Look at the picture. What does it say? Let’s put it this way. No human in thier right mind is going to go to all this work to fix up their Christmas tree beautifully, lay out a beautiful table and fine dinnerware, and even light candles unless they want it to be noticed- and appreciated… BY THE CAT.
YES, you. An elegantly decorated Christmas tree says they want you to critique their efforts and show your approval. How? By climbing the tree, knocking down your favorite baubles, ripping away garland, and scattering it as far as possible, and most important of all, make sure there are no nosy elves sitting in the branches to spy on the guests- that’s your job.
The elegant table and glassware
- Where possible, leave pawprints on the nice, clean table to give it that “lived in look.” This immediately makes the guests feel at home knowing the table is cat approved.
- Be sure to tip over at least one wine glass (to make sure they’re sturdy), and taste whatever beverages are placed on it to be sure they’re not poisoned. That would just be RUDE.
- Let’s not let those pretty, shiny plates go without your seal of approval. Be sure to actually sit on the plates, making sure to equally distribute your lovely cat hair all over them. They’ll be just out of their minds with gratitude for your efforts.
- Be sure to check the napkins too- for sufficient cat hair.
When the guests arrive
Remember guests expect to find all sorts of goodies laid out for them, and it’s up to you to be the quality control specialists. You know how harried and stressed those humans get when they’re working hard to impress their guests, so be sure to carefully inspect and sample everything they lay out – and if you find any treats unsafe for human consumption (say, the ham, for example)- be sure to discreetly eat as much as you can before it’s too late so the human has to replace it quickly for their hungry guests. You just may save them a nasty lawsuit.
One lick should do it.
Be sure to check back every Wednesday for another Lesson in “How to Train your Humans”
It’s a Snuggle-y Morning
“No more than six people” Thanksgiving gathering
The Can Openers and critters (big and little ones), had a wonderful Thanksgiving yesterday in spite of COVID restrictions- (“no more than 6 people allowed to gather for Thanksgiving”)- which the Governor proposed having people arrested or fined if they didn’t follow the guidelines. On THANKSGIVING? Luckily, there were only six of them anyway, (unless you they count Serafina and Abby)….
But what if you have a huge family like Sushi and I?
Sushi and I had to stay home while they went to celebrate at the critters’ house- and they were gone the WHOLE DAY. Honestly, Sushi and I had planned to wait till they left, then bring in OUR family for a major party… 🎉
And there are so many more in our family- but they don’t want their pictures used on the internet because they’re flipping Purranoid.
It didn’t matter anyway, though- because they all forgot to get their passports in time. They tried hitchhiking a ride here but not many people pick up hitchhikers in the jungle or desert- especially if it’s a 600 lb cat that could eat them. Weirdos.
Anyway, our family is all upset because they couldn’t come- but it’s probably for the best anyway, because they all get a little grumpy when they’re hungry- especially Aunt Fussy-pants.
But over at The Critters’ House- Everything was relaxed and content.
The baby Critter’s Dad found a video by Chef Gordon Ramsay on making a Turkey … with bacon… (*drool*) – and he made the turkey that way while everybody chatted, had mimosas, (and coffee) and visited and played games.
They all had a blast- while Sushi and I were home alone…all. day. long.
But it’s okay- because they loaded us up with Tiki Cat and Redi Whip and treats and snuggles when they got home. And besides, Sushi and I can use this “cat abuse” to get our way for along time!!😹
The Can Opener wants to share the video for Chef Ramsey’s Turkey- it was purrfect!
Christmas Recipe: Roasted Turkey with Lemon Parsley & Garlic / Gordon Ramsay
How to Train your Humans
Welcome to lesson Two
Making Sure they let you “help” at Mealtimes
The most important thing for every cat hoping to train his humans to be a decent cat slave, pet parent, is…
Make sure they know who’s boss.
This should already be well established before you plan to train them to let you “help” them at mealtimes.
One way to demonstrate you are the boss is to demand that you get fed first. That way, when they get busy in the kitchen with, say, Thanksgiving dinner- your belly will already be full in case they are exceptionally hard to distract.
Next, park at the Keurig (or whatever coffee brewer they have), until they start your , coffee. After all, cats need the stuff too, and if you’re going to be an effective trainer, you need to get your motor going.
*Just don’t let them see you drinking it*
Extra points if you get lots of cat hair in the cups and on the brewer. Also, pawprints are a nice touch- particularly if guests are coming! And, if the creamer is left out- that means they want you to sample it and make sure it’s safe!
It’s also important to watch for little critters if you’re having a hard time getting into the kitchen. They’re always screaming they’re hungry, so most of the time you can easily slip in if you act like you’re just trying to play with them. Some of them will even stand with the refrigerator door open while they search for forbidden treats, and when they do, you may even be able to hop up into the fridge on the bottom shelf…. and then grab and run!
Now, for the important stuff. On special occasions, when there will be gatherings – like Thanksgiving- you definitely need to be on your best behavior.
(At least as far as the humans know). That way, they won’t think to put you out of the kitchen while they prepare the delicious turkey and pies with whipped cream and other delicacies that you can’t wait to get your paws on.
And don’t forget to make your presence known constantly by winding around the legs of the control person in the kitchen, meowing as pathetically as possible. Sometimes they won’t realize they just fed you ten minutes before and they’ll start giving you samples. If not, wait for them to leave and jump up and grab them for yourself!
You can always claim “Quality Control!”
If you should happen to get caught straddling the abandoned turkey while everyone’s busy in the other room, well,…
A NEW BOX!
Oh my gosh! My “Rearrange Everything” tactic worked better than I’d hoped!
My tactics are very effective.
After all, I took this human Can Opener from being completely clueless – (trust me)- to an expert in one lesson! After I finished typing my little paws off yesterday in the first lesson about Playtime being a ‘fundamental cat right’, I went outside to stir up some trouble, I mean, hunt mice, and when I came inside there was a brand new BOX waiting for me! And, it wasn’t just a big, empty box-
Okay, Human. Past transgressions are (temporarily) forgiven. Just don’t let them happen again. That was the best part of my day- until the human started bringing out the ping-pong balls, and toy mice and the measuring tape and started playing with me. The kicker was, I didn’t do anything (this time) to make her!
How to Train your Humans 