The Can Opener opened a present from her neighbor last night and as soon as she put the box down, I fell in love with it and climbed right in to take a nap- but Sushi saw it too, and tried to take it from me. frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrddddddddd7oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii – (She just walked across the keyboard to try and stop me from telling on her- I’m lucky the keyboard still works)!
I told her right away to back off from MY box! I saw it first, and I claimed it! Well, Mom was watching, so she pretended to say, “Okay, Twilight”- and she acted really sweet, and came and gently licked my ear, and groomed me…for about 30 seconds.
Then, she heard the Can Opener say, “Oh Look! That’s so cute!”
And then, the Battle for the Box began! It went something like this….
She flattened my precious BOX! So, when the Can Opener saw that she was just trying to take my box, she told Sushi she can’t do that. I didn’t think that was going to help anything, but Sushi actually seemed to understand what she said! And she hung her head and got out and just laid down next to the box! And she hasn’t bothered me about it again!
It must be my siamese martial arts finally kicking in….I WON!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Well, our Christmas was cold and the Can Opener left us locked up prisoners in the house the whole flipping day. We were a little miffed- but we realized it wouldn’t do us any good anyway, because the turkeys took off to be with the grown critters and the itty bitty ones for Christmas.
So we decided to save our pouting and revenge for when they got back since they couldn’t see us giving them the evil-eye anyway, and we needed to save our energy for our purrfect plot. Way to spoil a cat’s Christmas! *grumble*
They left early and had the nerve to stay out until long after dark. They had the neighbor come over and check on us and give us food, and they left Cat TV on for us- but we still weren’t happy, because she didn’t serve us our whipped cream tower, or treats, and she even served me in Sushi’s dish! I can’t eat out of HER dish! I’ll get Sushi cooties! And, she fed Sushi in MY DISH!! DISGUUUUUUUSSSTING!!!!! *coughs up hairball*
And when they came home they smelled like the critters and SERAFINA AND ABBY! They were loving on them when they should’ve been home spoiling us!
Here- take a look at the EVIDENCE we found on the human’s phone!!
And then there were all these pictures of the Critters and their gifts….
Well, all this evidence means Sushi and I have a lot of work to do to retrain this Can Opener. Great. I’m getting busy! Hope you all had a peaceful, healthy Christmas- and Happy kitties!
We hope you enjoyed this little comic break- we’ve been so busy helping the Can Opener finish her Christmas gift shopping and sewing and everything else to get ready for Christmas-(and helping her get over her tooth problem)- we will be posting regularly again as soon as possible!
How to Train your Humans: Rules For The Serious Cat
Twilight here! Welcome back! Any self-respecting cat who wants to be taken seriously needs to follow a few rules. Most people don’t realize cats actually have an unspoken code they follow that not only manages those pesky humans, but gives them status around their kitty peers. Every cat needs respect and status (just like humans)- so let’s outline a few ways to get that status.
1.) If there’s a box in the house, claim it! Especially if the humans have started using it for something important – like wrapping a present!
2.) If there are presents already wrapped, you are meant to unwrap them immediately – (those little tags with names on them all say “kitty” and are meant to attract you.)
3.) Also, those little delicate round things are ping pong balls bought especially for you to bat around the house. Bonus points if you can shatter them!
4.) At times you may find special colorful little things sitting around on trays that have a curious smell and that humans have been laboring all day to create.
They call these “cookies”- which is another word for (cat) treats. Be sure to snag a few immediately, so they don’t feel like you’re rejecting their offering.
5.) Better yet, sometimes you’ll find warm milk with whipped cream left with cookies for Santa – You’re supposed to lick off the whipped cream for Santa, because he’s allergic. Just so you know.
One last very important thing- When the humans walk away from their food or drink, cat etiquette says, You must ALWAYS taste it for them. It would be really rude not to. Serafina is quite accomplished at this so she demonstrates with her human’s cup of chicken soup.
Yesterday, the Can Opener was playing with me after she got her first cup of coffee, and we were having so much fun… and then this furry bundle of nerves came walking into our kitchen looking for my food and begging for treats!
Lucky for me, she didn’t like what was in my dish, and my Can Opener didn’t give her any treats – so after harrassing my human for a little while longer, she chased me up on top of the refrigerator, and saw Sushi sleeping on the couch and hissed at her for good measure, then growled at my human and stalked out the door!
Trying to con my human into feeding her!
I really didn’t appreciate her growling at Sushi -(that’s my job)- but I was really mad that she growled at my Can Opener! So of course, I had to chase her out of the house and we had a talk about it. The human didn’t get there fast enough to take pictures, but just to give you an idea, it went something like this;
The littlest tornado (critter) is here almost every day. Today before school, she decided to play Vet. Poor Sushi will be traumatized for the rest of her life. It’s obvious that Sushi was snoozing during my previous “How to Train Your Humans” lessons.
Let me show you where Sushi didn’t get it right (that is, if you want to be a respectable cat). The pictures from the “Vet Visit” say it all.
No self respecting cat should ever let a little tornado take it’s temperature. Once you let them do that, they take everything else too and you’ll never find it again.
And shots should automatically be a signal to RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Poor Sushi apparently didn’t get my memo.
Sushi sat in the Can Opener’s lap and Lily was sitting next to her as she was taking her desperately needed coffee break. Then – that fateful moment when she happened to notice the purrfect victim. Sushi.
Time for me to start dropping my Christmas gift hints a little harder. The Can Opener appears to be totally clueless as to my (and Sushi’s) Christmas wish list. Of course, she is only human, which is a huge drawback- but even she has to have a brain in there somewhere… The question is, how to get through that head of hers?
What Sushi wants…
I asked Sushi what she wants for Christmas, and all she said was “a nap.” You know, I know she’s part of the family and all, but good grief. No imagination at ALL.
So, I told her what I want and she said I should write a list for the Can Opener and leave it someplace where she can’t miss it. Like the mirror. Or the refrigerator. Or better yet, taped to her face.
But I think she’s forgetting I’m a CAT- writing and taping is a little hard for my paws. Maybe I should have a talk with that creepy little elf that keeps popping up. If he’s going to be hanging around so much, I may as well put him to work.
I think I’ll make a list and leave it for him to take to Santa.
I’ll probably leave him some treats too- in case he needs a little “motivation.” Maybe all those cookies kids leave for Santa is why he keeps coming back every year. If all I had to do for treats was drop down a chimney in random houses once a year, I’d probably do it too. That is, if there’s no fire in the chimney! MOL!
Okay, Students. When it comes to holidays, there are certain things humans just expect from their cats. This post is going to outline these things for you so you know how to cat on special holidays- especially Christmas which is most humans’ favorite of all.
That’s because they get to go wild spending money on things they would never otherwise do (for themselves as well as others), so that in addition to eating forbidden treats that they may otherwise avoid like the plague so they don’t add another 35 inches to their waists, they have plenty to worry about after the season is over and the New Year arrives.
This is where cat training lessons are most important. If you screw this up, no one is going to take you seriously as a real CAT.
When they’re preparing for guests
Okay, Look at the picture. What does it say? Let’s put it this way. No human in thier right mind is going to go to all this work to fix up their Christmas tree beautifully, lay out a beautiful table and fine dinnerware, and even light candles unless they want it to be noticed- and appreciated… BY THE CAT.
YES, you. An elegantly decorated Christmas tree says they want you to critique their efforts and show your approval. How? By climbing the tree, knocking down your favorite baubles, ripping away garland, and scattering it as far as possible, and most important of all, make sure there are no nosy elves sitting in the branches to spy on the guests- that’s your job.
The elegant table and glassware
Where possible, leave pawprints on the nice, clean table to give it that “lived in look.” This immediately makes the guests feel at home knowing the table is cat approved.
Be sure to tip over at least one wine glass (to make sure they’re sturdy), and taste whatever beverages are placed on it to be sure they’re not poisoned. That would just be RUDE.
Let’s not let those pretty, shiny plates go without your seal of approval. Be sure to actually sit on the plates, making sure to equally distribute your lovely cat hair all over them. They’ll be just out of their minds with gratitude for your efforts.
Be sure to check the napkins too- for sufficient cat hair.
When the guests arrive
Remember guests expect to find all sorts of goodies laid out for them, and it’s up to you to be the quality control specialists. You know how harried and stressed those humans get when they’re working hard to impress their guests, so be sure to carefully inspect and sample everything they lay out – and if you find any treats unsafe for human consumption (say, the ham, for example)- be sure to discreetly eat as much as you can before it’s too late so the human has to replace it quickly for their hungry guests. You just may save them a nasty lawsuit.
Be sure to check back every Wednesday for another Lesson in “How to Train your Humans”