Category Archives: How to Cat

The Sushi Diet Chronicles

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Oops. She CAUGHT ME!

It started out good today- the Can Opener had a busy morning and after getting home from work, she fed me. Then she gave me love and saw that I knew she was about to get on the computer and I wanted to be on the desk on my fat pillow next to her, so she put me up there.

Then she went in the kitchen, washed her hands, and I climbed up on my pillow, got all comfy, and went right to sleep. A little bit later, I woke up to a heavenly aroma and saw the Can Opener walking back into the kitchen- and right in front of me was a delicious roast beef and ham sandwich she had made just for me!

So I did what any cat in her right mind would do- I dove into it! I certainly didn’t want her think I was ungrateful-

I was wondering though, why she would put that funny green stuff and that brown funny- smelling stuff she calls ‘mustard’ on my sandwich- but nobody’s perfect, right? I was just glad she didn’t put the red pepper on it (this time).

Then suddenly she comes back to her desk with a PICKLE in her hand- did she really expect I’d eat that thing?

Then all of a sudden she noticed how much I was enjoying her sandwich, and she said “Sushi! NO!!”

And all of a sudden she jerked up the sandwich and cleaned up the mustard and green stuff off her desk, and there went my great sandwich -(well, the ham and the other stuff anyway- I’d already eaten the roast beef) – except for 2 pieces that she pried out from under my paws and threw away! How rude can you get?

Now she’s going to be watching me like a paranoid hawk again because I’m
on a diet– But she gave it to me! And anyway, I’m not the only kitty that “steals” food!

These guys do it too!

And I thought she was just being super sweet today….HMPH! 😿

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Twilight’s Monday Mischief

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Hey, Can Opener. You need to find another weatherman. I don’t like this one’s reports.

The Rain is here again. Time to get creative.

Once again it’s raining constantly. As if that wasn’t enough, its also freezing cold. There goes my hunting plans. I’m convinced that the rats and mice in the neighborhood have orchestrated this debacle just to torment me, only I can’t figure out quite how they managed it.

But boy, when I do figure it out- they’re going to pay!

Meanwhile, I have to find less appetizing ways to entertain myself until the rain stops and the sun comes out again. I can only play so many tricks on Sushi- (she’s got no sense of humor)- and the Can Opener only plays with me for a few minutes at a time before she darts off to do something else, so I’m connecting with some of the neighborhood cats to get some fresh ideas.

Hey- This idea promises to be fun!

Maybe I’ll just start hunting for Bigfoot-

Well, What do you know! I found him!

Well, that was short-lived. Now what am I going to do?

Here he is again….

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Go someplace else, Smokey! This is OUR HOUSE!
I’m Smokey- and they don’t know it yet, but they’re going to adopt me.

I’ve been stealing everyone’s heart

Aren’t I cute? I’m absolutely adorable, and I know it because every neighbor around here tells me all the time. Today I visited Twilight and Sushi’s house -(they have the best food, and the Can Opener doesn’t yell at me and chase me away like some of the other neighbors). A lot of the neighbors around here are trying to help find out where I belong- if I’m lost or something.

But I keep telling them where I belong! Right HERE on Twilight’s throne! The problem is, Twilight and Sushi disagree and the Can Opener listens to them, not me. So I have to convince the Can Opener that I’m cuter than them.

So far I’m not having much luck. And the big one looks like she could eat me- so I’m kind of nervous, but the food is great in the neighborhood- and sooner or later, somebody is going to adopt me!

Mom- he’s back- get rid of him or I WILL!

FINE! I’LL GO…(But I’ll be back)…. at dinnertime!

Sushi’s Diet Chronicles

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I’m exhausted after my “workout” – I worked so hard watching the Can Opener do hers- now I need a nap!

Note to Can Opener: I don’t do diets!

I know the Can Opener thinks it’s important to exercise and watch your diet. But I do ‘watch’ my diet. I watch it sit there in the bowl until I devour it!

But after that, the bowl is empty, so what the flea and I supposed to be “watching?”

Oh- maybe this is what she means about ‘watching my diet’-

Fine- I’ll leave the pickles (and mustard) off my burgers.

And I don’t get why she is always trying to make me exercise. I do exercise! Do you have any idea the amount of energy it takes to snore? It’s exhausting!

But I do exercise in other ways—when she’s not looking- (because she doesn’t like it when I do this- so I do it in the middle of the night while she’s sleeping- that way she thinks Twilight did it)…

I’ll never tell…

And this counts as exercise…

But she’ll never catch me doing it…
I’ve even tried fishing- but the fish fights back!

Honestly, I don’t know what kind of exercise she expects a slender 17.9 pound cat to do! But I have found one exercise I really love to do…

Becoming a speed bump!

Those critters need something to stop them on those noisy scooters! 😹

I need to meet this guy….

Time with Twilight

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The Can Opener has had her paws full – with helping her sister- and a bunch of other stuff. I decided enough is enough!

This lady needs some new brakes.

If you thought we all got abducted by aliens, we didn’t- and we’re not sitting someplace in the Bahamas sipping coconut water, either (yet). But we’re pretty sure that if that was an option for the Can Opener, she’d be on it like a flea on Sushi.

She’s been up at 4:30 most mornings serving us – (after Sushi takes a few bites off her nose)- and taking care of the Critters, plotting gifts for birthdays and Christmas -(no waiting til the last minute around here)- and of course, getting called in to work.

But for the last few days she’s been spending a lot of time looking after her sister who has had some trips to the ER – things seem to have settled down now, so the first thing I meowed to Mom this morning is to take time to relax and do something just because she wants to (like typing for me). For once, she actually listened! 😹

So, before something else happens to make her too busy again, I’ve noticed there’s a dark, handsome, male siamese who has been coming to see me every night! I think I like him! 😻

Last night I was sitting on the doorstep and noticed him lurking around in the neighbor’s garden drinking from her sprinkler…

This is like one of those puzzles where you have to find a hidden object...Can you find him?

I think I’m going to stay out tonight so I can follow him and find out where he lives!

Image by Robert Kyriakis from Pixabay

How to Train Your Humans

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Later, Sushi- I have a lesson to do.

Help them Catify!

I haven’t posted a lesson for you would-be respectable cats for a while, because I’ve had my paws full around here with the critters, Sushi, and the would-be feline home invader, Smokey.

But he got me thinking… of course, if he is lost, or was left behind by a family who moved out, he needs a home, and cuddles, and food- and of course, flea treatment (for the love of Ceiling Cat, PLEASE)!

But whether a cat moves in to a home by manipulation (Smokey is good at that)- or by invitation, a respectable cat still needs to know how to train his “owners.”

Now, Smokey hasn’t been adopted (but he sure is trying)- because the Can Opener has her paws full already -(and the whole neighborhood loves him and wants him).

But for you cats who are adopted, here are a few pointers you help you train your “owners” to your specifications.

For one, help them “Catify” the house to your liking….

Claim the computer- so you can sell the other pets on ebay and make sure they’re not looking at videos of other cats.
Once you snuggle up on a lap, don’t let them get up.
Make sure they take you surfing on demand. Cats need entertainment too.
Don’t let them back-talk you.

And make sure you tell them how to fix your castle to your liking…

Make your design choices clear to the Resident in charge. Otherwise, catification won’t happen.

How to Train your Humans

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It’s time for some more lessons on training your humans. I’d better get some coffee and get started!

Too many kittens out there have no clue.

It’s springtime- and with spring comes kitty litters! Freshly brewed cute, adorable, clueless kitties who have no idea how to grow into a respectable cat. That’s why they need me to teach them!

We cats are highly intelligent and resourceful, but a baby anything needs to be shown how to grow and thrive- and most importantly, how to rule their humans. Remember- we were once worshipped in Egypt.

So, kittens- (and cats who need a refresher course) – First, remember that humans are suckers for a cute little kitty face. Look up at them adoringly, making sure your eyes are big and innocent – (that way they won’t suspect you when you’re naughty). 😹

Next, remember to respond when they babble “talk” to you so they think you’re listening to the rules. This will increase your chances of being adopted because you’ll appear to be “trainable.”

Once you’ve convinced them you’re and adorable little innocent angel, and you get adopted you can start practicing training them!

If you practice enough, you can have them feeding you treats just because you’re cute!

If there are loud, two-legged Creatures who live in your new home, make friends with them quickly. Be sure to follow them around and sleep with them at night. Why?

1.) They have lots of toys. They like to play.

2.) They eat constantly. And they leave crumbs everywhere.

3.) They’ll leave the butter on the counter.

4.) They’ll grow up to be extra Can Openers.

5.) They’ll defend you when you do wrong.

Sooner or later they’ll decide to bathe you (it’s the grown-up human version of playing with Barbie dolls).

Just a heads up- Once you let them do this, it’s all over. They’ll think you like it and will insist on doing it for the rest of your pathetic life.

For the love of Ceiling Cat, DON’T let them do it. This is your cue to use your God-given weapons.

Teeth and CLAWS.

GOOD LUCK.

Now go practice on your un-suspecting humans and I’ll be back again soon with more lessons. ❤️☕💚

Caturday Cats

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My favorite thing to do on a Caturday, is follow the Can Opener around getting extra snuggles and treats.

It’s Caturday! Time to do your (cat) thing!

Cats love Caturday. Unless their humans leave them alone all day, or they have a bazillion creatures running around tearing the house apart, throwing things, screaming and shredding the drapes – (before you get the chance), or putting their grubby little fingers in the cat food, and dumping out your water. That might stress a cat out – just a little.

When a cat has to deal with things like that, they might show some signs of being a little hissed off. They might misbehave a little bit- or just plain lose it altogether…

And especially if there are little critters running around in the house with their playmates, your cat might get slightly exhausted from all the chaos and just drop into a coma…

But if they don’t drop into a coma or lose their minds, they may decide to spend some time problem solving…

Or use their Caturdays to settle a score…

Whatever you humans have planned for your Caturday, better make sure your cat is happy too!