Category Archives: How to Cat

Caturday Mouse Hunting Tv!

Bring the popcorn and treats, Human!

Movie time for Twilight!

Start the popcorn and bring the treats, human! I’m going to sharpen my techniques in this educational mouse hunting video and then go outside and catch you a couple of big, juicy ones for dinner!

Don’t forget to set the table!


Critterpated

Okay, so I love the Tiny One. My Bad.

So she stole my heart. Deal with it.

Okay, I never imagined I would ever say this about a tiny little grabby-pawed tornado, but this one surprised me. She’s different. It’s like one day she realized that I really am a living, breathing kitty with feelings and she started trying to not scare me, and then she wanted to start feeding me treats, and all of a sudden, I have a tiny human best friend.

So, now, I always (carefully) come out to say hello when I hear her tiny little voice in the mornings, and she always rushes over to pet me and give me treats. (I knew this little thing could come in handy one day)! So now, I stay near her -(when the Can Opener is close-by, just in case she gets a little TOO happy, and loud and friendly and starts chasing me again).

So the last time she was here, I waited until the human was going to help her practice writing and learning new things, and then I made sure to let them know they had my approval, by rubbing my scent all over her workbook. This also served the purpose of letting them both know I wanted to play. You know, to break up the monotony of all that tedious learning stuff that kids don’t want to do because they want to play. You’re welcome, human. I call it helping her learn…(how to please the cat).

Knowing the difference between ‘real’ and ‘pretend’ situations
Helping her learn to use the computer and work on her math lessons.
Knowing what does or doesn’t belong together
Watercolor / making new colors

Best of all, she’s also learning how to take care of kitties and learning to read our body language. She’s actually getting pretty good at it- I think Sushi and I are pretty good teachers (but we let the human take the credit)…okay. I guess Abby and Serafina get credit too, since they are here kitties when she’s home. Not bad for a little Critter.


Dang. I missed.

I thought I was in the perfect position.

Next time, I’ll get it. Wait and See!

Poor human. She really thinks I snuggled up here in the cubby on the desk just to be near her while she works on the computer! I’d be laughing if it wasn’t so pathetic. The truth is, it’s a little chilly in here, because she’s a fresh air fiend, and the plan actually was to “accidentally” dip my tail in her warm blueberry tea.

Wouldn’t you know, she happened to look over just in time to move her cup and spoil my plans. But that’s okay- because my next target is Jazlyn’s furry pen she left here on the desk yesterday. Actually, if the human hadn’t moved the teacup, I wouldn’t have noticed how irresistably fluffy it is. It’s just BEGGING to be attacked! Meanwhile, I’ll just lay here and pretend to be asleep until she gets up for another cup of tea-

Or, if I’m really lucky (and her tummy feels better), she may make some popcorn and I can help her eat it! Oh….NO!

Forget it, Sushi!

Twilight saw the furry pen! And she’ll help herself to any popcorn the human makes too- before I can even get up!

BACK OFF, SUSHI!

Oh great. Now I have to chase out the psycho!


How to Train your Humans

DISCLAIMER: Not a lesson for the faint of heart.

Lesson 8

Teaching those Idiot Humans to Hunt

There are so many things a newly adopted (or long time) cat has to teach the humans who think they own it. For example;

  1. What food you find acceptable (this could take months or hundreds of opened and rejected cans of expensive food).
  2. The temperature you want your water to be (I personally demand two ice cubes, and filtered water from the fridge, of course).
  3. Where you want your bed to be. (Let’s make it easy, and just demand the human’s bed. They can sleep on the couch).
  4. How you like your back scratched, and how often.

My Can Opener already learned those things almost immediately. Of all the things I’ve taught her though, I realized there’s one skill she’s still severly lacking in, so I’ve been trying to teach her how to hunt.

Yeah… she’s not getting it.

I mean, I feel sorry for her. She practically lives on yogurt, berries, dark chocolate, popcorn, and fruit and salads. I figure she doesn’t hunt for berries and vegetables, and the “chicken” and other “meat” she brings home doesn’t look freshly caught to me, so I think she needs some help.

So, I started the lesson by bringing her a nice juicy mouse for her lunch. I thought she’d be so excited, but she didn’t like it at all and evicted the mouse from the house right away. I’m seriously worried about her.

I’ve thought about bringing her fish from the stream, but I can’t resist eating it myself before I can get back home and give it to her.

So, the other day when she took a walk with the critters, I did a little research and found a video that I thought would make it pretty clear what “we” were hunting for and how to catch herself a mouse.

My movie- for training the human to hunt. But she won’t watch it. Moron.

Wouldn’t you know, she wouldn’t watch it! She said it was just something to keep me company when I’m alone. Right. In fact, she got right up from the couch and made herself a cup of coffee, and acted like the whole thing was just “TV for cats!”

So after all the hours of training I’ve already invested in the Can Opener, I have to start all over again just to teach her “how to Cat.”

I just can’t believe it.

How to Train your Humans

Photo by Anna Shevets (Pexels)

Lesson 7: Get Spoiled

Welcome back, fellow felines. Today’s Lesson is called, “Get Spoiled.” Every cat wants to get spoiled of course, because we deserve it. We’re beautiful, loving, sassy, and entertaining- and frankly, usually smarter than the humans who think they own us.

Nevertheless, we need them, since we don’t have the ability to open cans or purchase treats and toys for ourselves. So, Let me show you how to make sure you get spoiled rotten, and are the queen (or king) of whatever house you choose for “home.”


Occasionally let the smallest critters pet you. Bonus points for purring softly.

1.) Even though every cat instinctively avoids the tiny little tornadoes, be sure to occasionally surprise them by (carefully) getting close enough to them to allow them to touch you and feel your soft fur.

The reason for this is, when they see how soft you are, and hear you purr when they touch you, they will be 57% more likely to actually ask to feed you food and treats.

(Save the biting and clawing for times when you’ve had enough).


Get up Mom!

2.) Speak up and let them know when you’re hungry. And don’t be quiet about it. “The squeaky wheel gets the oil,” as they say. Sushi is especially good at this.

When the Can Opener’s alarm goes off at 4:00 every morning, Sushi is on the bed right by her pillow yowling at 3:59 am. Insistently. Urgently. With claws ready. Guess what? The Human springs out of bed at the speed of light to feed her before she wakes up the other human. Nice Job, Sushi.


Photo by Anna Shevets (Pexels)

4.) Occasionally do the unthinkable and humor the Can Openers by letting them bathe you- This makes them feel like they have a love hungry “Baby”- Most humans are crazy about babies (go figure). And if they think you like to be “babied,” you typically get whatever you want.

Of couse, there are exceptions to this rule, but that’s what teeth and claws are for.


Be sure to stop by Next Wednesday for Lesson 8 of How to Train Your Humans.

Welcome to Lesson Seven: Get Spoiled

3.) When You see the humans eating something you want, get as close as possible to them (discreetly)- then when they least expect it nudge your way over to the delectible treat they’re eating and sniff it. If your human is already well trained, they’ll hand it over. If not, keep after them until they do. Politely hint…. like Sushi (see below):

“I love ice cream, Mom. I’ll let you sleep in….?”


How to Cat (Christmas Style)

Photo by Jill Wellington (Pexels)

Keep them Confused.

Act like you’re desperate to play, then refuse to take the bait.

Attack Everything.



Be too cute to be ignored.


Eliminate Temptation for the Humans.


Always be thankful!

And snuggly.

The Mouse that got away

I outsmarted the fat cat!!
I’m so ashamed! I can’t believe he got away!
Well, of course he got away! You didn’t chase him!

She just can’t understand it….

That’s how it went for at least an hour this morning. Sushi whining because she didn’t catch the mouse that was poking around, and me (Twilight)- trying to explain to her that in order to catch something, you have to CHASE IT FIRST!

WHAT? Why in the world would I want to do THAT?

Unfortunately, in Sushi’s mind, chasing mice is ‘disgusting’- and she couldn’t imagine for her life why she should’ve chased it.

“What do you think I am, Twilight? Some sort of ANIMAL? I just wanted to invite it to dinner- I asked it nicely, and it just ran away from me. YOU’RE the one who does the disgusting ‘chasing mice’ thing!”

How do I say this gently?

So I said, “Well, Sushi- IT’S A CAT THING. And guess what? YOU’RE A CAT!”

She just sat there for a few seconds thinking -(which is hard work for her)- then said,

“OH. That explains the tail.”

I give up. This girl just doesn’t know how to cat.