19 Days til Christmas!
Time for me to start dropping my Christmas gift hints a little harder. The Can Opener appears to be totally clueless as to my (and Sushi’s) Christmas wish list. Of course, she is only human, which is a huge drawback- but even she has to have a brain in there somewhere… The question is, how to get through that head of hers?
What Sushi wants…
I asked Sushi what she wants for Christmas, and all she said was “a nap.” You know, I know she’s part of the family and all, but good grief. No imagination at ALL.
So, I told her what I want and she said I should write a list for the Can Opener and leave it someplace where she can’t miss it. Like the mirror. Or the refrigerator. Or better yet, taped to her face.
But I think she’s forgetting I’m a CAT- writing and taping is a little hard for my paws. Maybe I should have a talk with that creepy little elf that keeps popping up. If he’s going to be hanging around so much, I may as well put him to work.
I think I’ll make a list and leave it for him to take to Santa.
I’ll probably leave him some treats too- in case he needs a little “motivation.” Maybe all those cookies kids leave for Santa is why he keeps coming back every year. If all I had to do for treats was drop down a chimney in random houses once a year, I’d probably do it too. That is, if there’s no fire in the chimney! MOL!
Welcome to Lesson 3:
Meeting The Can Openers’ Christmas Expectations
The Process and the Expectation
Okay, Students. When it comes to holidays, there are certain things humans just expect from their cats. This post is going to outline these things for you so you know how to cat on special holidays- especially Christmas which is most humans’ favorite of all.
That’s because they get to go wild spending money on things they would never otherwise do (for themselves as well as others), so that in addition to eating forbidden treats that they may otherwise avoid like the plague so they don’t add another 35 inches to their waists, they have plenty to worry about after the season is over and the New Year arrives.
This is where cat training lessons are most important. If you screw this up, no one is going to take you seriously as a real CAT.
When they’re preparing for guests
Okay, Look at the picture. What does it say? Let’s put it this way. No human in thier right mind is going to go to all this work to fix up their Christmas tree beautifully, lay out a beautiful table and fine dinnerware, and even light candles unless they want it to be noticed- and appreciated… BY THE CAT.
YES, you. An elegantly decorated Christmas tree says they want you to critique their efforts and show your approval. How? By climbing the tree, knocking down your favorite baubles, ripping away garland, and scattering it as far as possible, and most important of all, make sure there are no nosy elves sitting in the branches to spy on the guests- that’s your job.
The elegant table and glassware
- Where possible, leave pawprints on the nice, clean table to give it that “lived in look.” This immediately makes the guests feel at home knowing the table is cat approved.
- Be sure to tip over at least one wine glass (to make sure they’re sturdy), and taste whatever beverages are placed on it to be sure they’re not poisoned. That would just be RUDE.
- Let’s not let those pretty, shiny plates go without your seal of approval. Be sure to actually sit on the plates, making sure to equally distribute your lovely cat hair all over them. They’ll be just out of their minds with gratitude for your efforts.
- Be sure to check the napkins too- for sufficient cat hair.
When the guests arrive
Remember guests expect to find all sorts of goodies laid out for them, and it’s up to you to be the quality control specialists. You know how harried and stressed those humans get when they’re working hard to impress their guests, so be sure to carefully inspect and sample everything they lay out – and if you find any treats unsafe for human consumption (say, the ham, for example)- be sure to discreetly eat as much as you can before it’s too late so the human has to replace it quickly for their hungry guests. You just may save them a nasty lawsuit.
Be sure to check back every Wednesday for another Lesson in “How to Train your Humans”
We’re Still getting ready for Christmas and that nosy Elf just keeps popping up!
Sushi started attacking a plastic bag this morning and some toys the Can Opener left out for us last night when she went to bed, and just as she was preparing to rip into the bags and shred them all over the living room, she had a funny feeling she was being watched-
And then she saw that Elf. She doesn’t like him. She likes her privacy when she’s going to be naughty and shred things. She says he ruins her fun because he makes her nervous. Then she locked eyes with him (above), and threatened to shred him if he doesn’t go away. (He just sat there and kept right on smiling)- not smart.
Meanwhile, at the Critters’ house, Serafina and Abby just ignore the little dude and plot their usual mischief not the least bit concerned about the little red-cheeked tattletale.
Serafina is planning on climbing the tree to knock down some of her favorite ornaments (and hopefully scare that Elf away), and Abby has decided to enjoy “her” new throne- (That was just bought for the little critter).
I sure hope Santa doesn’t hear about all this…
But then I saw that nosy Elf on the shelf…
And thought about Santa – (who, by the way, lost my address last year)- And I decided to hold off on my
evil plans for now. Just because I wrote him a letter asking for a new boatload of tuna, or Tiki Cat, and some new squeaky mouse toys, since the Can Opener around here freaks out if I catch her a nice, juicy mouse. Life is so flipping hard sometimes.
However, from what I see on Pinterest, I think even the Elf on the Shelf has to “socially distance” and wear a mask. But honestly, I thought he’d always done that. I mean, you only see the little dude once a year anyway, and even then he hides and then takes off for the North Pole the first chance he gets.
I can’t blame him for that- I’d do that too sometimes just to get away from bossy “Miss Fussypants” (Sushi). But apparently he’s locked down now too.
Which brings me to wonder, If the Elf on the Shelf is having to “Socially Distance,” who will Santa use to spy on us all?