The Can Opener switched me to a more expensive cat food that will help me lose weight. I have to tell you -(but don’t tell her, because she can’t know I LOVE THE STUFF)- I thought I was going to die when the order came in and she unsealed the box—- and I smelled the aroma of venison from the pretty green bag inside- all of a sudden I HAD to have some of the stuff immediately! I ran to the bag as soon as she pulled it out and started meowing LOUDLY to her to hurry up and open it!
Oh. My. Fleas! It is SO GOOOOOOOOOOOD!
BUT- I was all excited until I heard her say it has 1/2 the carbs of the other food, and it will help me lose weight! Now, no matter how much she paid for that heavenly stuff, I HAVE to act like I hate it!! So- I try to play it cool when she pours it in my dish- then the very second she leaves the room, I pounce on it!
And I know of other kitties like me who are also fed up with diets—- and they are ready to take back their favorite ‘fat’ foods too!
We’re on the prowl for Cheetos- popcorn, peanut butter, butter, potato chips, goldfish crackers, and PIZZA!
Keep trying, humans- but one way or another, we’ll get what we want! 😹
It started out good today- the Can Opener had a busy morning and after getting home from work, she fed me. Then she gave me love and saw that I knew she was about to get on the computer and I wanted to be on the desk on my fat pillow next to her, so she put me up there.
Then she went in the kitchen, washed her hands, and I climbed up on my pillow, got all comfy, and went right to sleep. A little bit later, I woke up to a heavenly aroma and saw the Can Opener walking back into the kitchen- and right in front of me was a delicious roast beef and ham sandwich she had made just for me!
So I did what any cat in her right mind would do- I dove into it! I certainly didn’t want her think I was ungrateful-
I was wondering though, why she would put that funny green stuff and that brown funny- smelling stuff she calls ‘mustard’ on my sandwich- but nobody’s perfect, right? I was just glad she didn’t put the red pepper on it (this time).
Then suddenly she comes back to her desk with a PICKLE in her hand- did she really expect I’d eat that thing?
Then all of a sudden she noticed how much I was enjoying her sandwich, and she said “Sushi! NO!!”
And all of a sudden she jerked up the sandwich and cleaned up the mustard and green stuff off her desk, and there went my great sandwich -(well, the ham and the other stuff anyway- I’d already eaten the roast beef) – except for 2 pieces that she pried out from under my paws and threw away! How rude can you get?
Now she’s going to be watching me like a paranoid hawk again because I’m on a diet– But she gave it to me! And anyway, I’m not the only kitty that “steals” food!
These guys do it too!
And I thought she was just being super sweet today….HMPH! 😿
The Can Opener has been really trying hard to help me trim down. But short of a pair of scissors, I don’t think it’s happening!
You see, the problem is, there’s food. And where there’s food, I’m there too… that is, as soon as I can get there. And if she opens tuna, I’m there a lot faster!
And it doesn’t help that Skinny little miss Twilight saunters by all slim and slick and makes me look like Mount Everest. I told her to quit doing that, but she never listens. And she gives me these snide looks when the Can Opener gives her treats as if to say, “I get more than you!”
(Twilight)- No I don’t, Mount -Sushi! And I can’t help it if I’m “slim and slick”- That’s because I don’t lay my head in my food bowl… and besides, I hunt all day, and all night if Mom lets me stay out- but the only thing you hunt is treats!
Mom- You might want to let Twilight out now-one of these days, I’m going to slither up behind her and SQUASH her like a bug!
This is because at my last visit, I had gained weight- (because of that steroid shot they gave me last summer)- so the Can Opener doesn’t let me “free feed” anymore- now I get fed at specific times of day (on the Can Opener’s open schedule)- I’ll starve!!!!
I think I’ve already lost a few precious ounces… my paws feel smaller- I think that’s enough- besides, when she brushes me, she brushes off at least 3 pounds of my fur- and I’m sure some of that has to be Twilight’s fur that just kind of landed on me when she walked by.
So if part of my “weight” is just fur- and if most of that is Twilight’s fur that just settles on me when I’m minding my own business, sleeping in the carpet… then WHY am I on a diet?
I think she should just suck Twilight up in the vacuum and I’ll immediately lose weight. Think she’ll believe me?
Me either- But tomorrow I’m going to try to convince her. Meanwhile, I’m going to cuddle her tonight and be really, really sweet- maybe she’ll cut me some slack in the morning and load me up on treats!
And please quit telling me I need to lose weight. I know what the vet said- but look at me – I’m not even 20 pounds yet! You and I both know that I exercise regularly- It’s hard exercise walking from the bedroom to the kitchen every morning, and it’s even harder to jump up on the couch for my grooming. And anyway, I’m sure I lost almost a whole pound just trying to get away from you and your nail clippers!
This is MY bed. I’m a Queen- I need a Queen-sized bed.
I know that Twilight thinks she’s going to keep me out of this bed. But That little flea could sleep in a matchbox. I need a little more room to spread out in all my glory. Therefore, I NEED the Queen sized bed. If she tries to get on top of it- (like she plans to)- I’m going to wait for her to fall asleep, and reach up and bite her tail. Problem solved.
I mean, seriously- she’s 9 lbs. She’s the size of a hairball. Just look at her!
The Can Opener is getting on my last nerve! She does her workout, and just because I come to coach her and make sure she does all the moves right, she thinks I need to work out too. I think that trainer is going to her head.
Next thing I know, she’ll be serving me salad, or tofu. And now, I hear I have a vet appointment to get my claws trimmed, and some shots. You know what that means? That means SCALES. That means I have to practice the Alligator roll and get better at it. Last time that vet wasn’t prepared for me. The human said that when the vet brought me back out to the car, she was breathless and looked like she’d been through Armageddon.
I did good.
I stretch, and sharpen my claws on the mat while she’s doing her lunges and stuff and that IS my workout. Does she praise me for it? NO. she tells me I’m making her trip over the mat. (Hey, that’s a GREAT IDEA)!
Well- I guess I may as well play- I have to get my strength up for the Alligator roll.
I found my soul mate last night- and I think we’ll get along beautifully!
I was napping on the laptop keyboard last night while the Can Opener was *trying* to use her computer, and something caught my eye and I haven’t been able to think of anything else since…. (except food)…
I don’t know what his name is, but this dude is my dream cat! I’m going to have to find a way to meet this handsome boy! Watch his video, and you’ll see why- not only is he HANDSOME, but he can teach me his tricks so I can defeat this ridiculous DIET the Can Opener has me on.
Or, at least learn how to steal more goodies!
*Back off, Twilight & Sheba- this one’s all MINE!*