Abby | How to Train your Humans

*It happened again. And Twilight and I know why.*

We’re grounding the Can Opener.

Twilight and I have finally put it together and now we know what makes the Can Opener leave us alone (suddenly) for the whole.flipping.day twice every year. And we are grounding the Can Opener.

*They call it Thanksgiving and sometimes Christmas.*

I think this time the excuse was “Christmas.” Twilight noticed that when the Critter’s parents’ car pops up (without the Critters)- it usually means the Can Opener is going to disappear for the day and we’re going to be stuck watching cat tv and that means I’m not going to have my warm snuggly lap or the Can Opener to feed me treats and cover me up with my blankie- and Twilight will be smashing into the tv all day trying to get mice from inside the screen until she’s dizzier and dumber than normal.

Of course, the Can Opener doesn’t ask our permission first- she just feeds us (our ‘last meal’) – then flies out the door and comes home forever later smelling like C.A.T.

NOT like me and Twilight!

Last night she got home really late- (we were almost starved to death by then- I could see the BOTTOM of my bowl)! She also came home loaded down with presents and food- but it was all the kind of stuff she says we can’t eat. Nice thing to do to two starving cats who are moments from starving to death, huh?

And this is is why….

*Serafina…. the Critters’ heart stealer.*

Our cheating human calls them her grand-kitties.

**Wait- What did you say,** my head still hurts from all that mouse hunting yesterday- what does she call them???

That’s right- she calls them her GRAND-KITTIES! HOW INSULTING! We’re way grander, aren’t we Twilight? Well, anyway, I am…. and here’s proof!

*I looked in her phone when she fell asleep last night and saw THIS!*
*Serafina- (and the biggest Critter). Serafina was in full on STEAL HEARTS mode! Outrageous!*

*And these two were helping Serafina and Abby steal hearts! No wonder Mom got home so late!*

*The tiniest Critter made her stay for dinner (pasta she made with her Play Doh pasta maker).*

No wonder Mom said we can’t eat what she brought home. She can’t either.

*Okay, Sushi- give it a rest for now. I’m still recovering from all those head slams at the tv.*

So, human- would you care to explain?

You know, I would love to have a heating pad to claim as my own mom, but you haven’t given us one. Yet, I looked in your phone and found pictures of Abby lounging lazily on a nice, warm heating pad in tons of pictures taken while you were away. FOR OUR THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY.