I just have to say, I have a complaint. Yep. Whether she realizes it or not, the Primary Can Opener around here is the Complaint Dept. I would think the critters have already made that abundantly clear. But somehow she remains clueless. At least where I’m concerned. Why, you say?
Well, for example, I’ve been sitting here patiently in front of the Kuerig all flipping morning, asking for a cup of coffee. But she doesn’t get it. I think that’s unfair. I have a constitutional RIGHT to the purrsuit of happiness, and I’ve been purrsuing coffee all morning and she just helps herself to a cup the size of Texas, and I have to lick whatever drippings the Kuerig leaves behind. I am not pleased. Time to get a refund.
Okay, now that I’ve got that off my furry little chest, I think I’d better introduce you to some fabulous felines (not as fabulous as me, sorry)- before my frustration boils over and I scratch her to ribbons. Then I’ll be grounded (no pun intended) from treats too. She’s so clueless.
The Can Opener is having her morning coffee and devotion while Sushi sits on her lap cutting off her circulation, and I’m falling asleep. Then there’s the THUMP at the front door that tells us the Critters have arrived, and I bolt out the door at the speed of light.
And the day begins…
So the little critter bounds in wearing brand new PINK boots, and a brand new coat, and way too much joy for 6 am. The older critter comes sleepwalking in, still wrapped in her full sized cat blanket and heads straight for the couch.
Then Sushi decides that since she had to do all that work of walking off the human’s lap anyway, she needs to have Lily pay for it by scratching her back for the next hour. That’s when I decide that 29 degrees isn’t too bad after all for going outside. And out I go at the speed of light!
Several hours later I come inside to see the big critter busy with school and the little critter has become a cashier since I darted out the door. I see that the Can Opener is “buying” her Angel from the critter for $13.00. Well, that’s interesting- if it’s already hers, why’s she buying it?
The Can Opener has “change,” a credit card, and several bills varying from $5.00- 25.00… and the human tells the “cashier” she’ll buy the Angel for $13.00, and proceeds to count out $13.00 to the critter.
Critter just stares at her (after punching a few musical buttons on the cash register), refuses the (play) cash she’s being offered, and holds out her hand to the Can Opener, with a look that says, “you know what I want.”
Finally the light clicks on, and the human sees that Critter is staring at the (play) credit card! So, she gives her the credit card, waits for the critter to hand it back – (she keeps it)- and then she sticks her hands out to the Can Opener again, waiting for cash!
The Can Opener says, “hey- I need my credit card back, and I already paid for it!” Critter sits and stares with a mischeivious grin, and just keeps holding her hand out and staring at the bills and change that was remaining. Just to play along, Can Opener gives her EVERYTHING- Critter takes it all, puts it in the cash drawer (with the credit card)- and keeps the angel too!
You’d think that Angel would’ve spoke up…. just sayin’.
It’s awfully quiet around here on the weekends when the little tornado and the Hurricane are home with their parents. Even the mice seem to sigh with relief. I mean, they’re loud -(louder than a jet)- but I think they’re starting to grow on me a little – not that I’ll ever admit it to them, though. I have a reputation to maintain, you know.
The littlest tornado has grown up enough to learn that if my tail flips a certain way, or if my ears twist back, it’s time to back off. That helps me warm up a little, particularly since she always loves to feed me treats- and will beg the Can Opener to let HER feed me! (Hey, I’m a CAT- not an idiot).
She always wants to feed me every time I walk in and look at her and give her my special “Creature only” meow… you know, the long, LOUD meow that sounds like I’m dying of hunger and need food urgently to save my life. That’s the one. It works every time. MWAHAHAHAHA!!
BUT, she also loves to make coffee for the Can Opener and literally gets upset if the Hurricane – (the big Critter) – makes it for her, or if she makes it for herself. She always grabs another kcup and insists on “putting salt and pepper” in it. Of course, the human takes it and pretends its “the best cup of coffee ever”- and actually drinks the stuff. (Don’t worry- the “salt” & “pepper” are imaginary).
Speaking as the resident cat (the smartest one), I actually think it’s cute, and feel myself starting to get a little protective of the little headache.
That is, until she throws a lego at me, or tries to cut my whiskers, or feed me play-doh. Then, I head up to the highest perch I can find (unless I can get someone to let me outside).
The most important thing for every cat hoping to train his humans to be a decent cat slave, pet parent, is…
Make sure they know who’s boss.
This should already be well established before you plan to train them to let you “help” them at mealtimes.
One way to demonstrate you are the boss is to demand that you get fed first. That way, when they get busy in the kitchen with, say, Thanksgiving dinner- your belly will already be full in case they are exceptionally hard to distract.
Next, park at the Keurig (or whatever coffee brewer they have), until they start your , coffee. After all, cats need the stuff too, and if you’re going to be an effective trainer, you need to get your motor going.
*Just don’t let them see you drinking it*
Extra points if you get lots of cat hair in the cups and on the brewer. Also, pawprints are a nice touch- particularly if guests are coming! And, if the creamer is left out- that means they want you to sample it and make sure it’s safe!
It’s also important to watch for little critters if you’re having a hard time getting into the kitchen. They’re always screaming they’re hungry, so most of the time you can easily slip in if you act like you’re just trying to play with them. Some of them will even stand with the refrigerator door open while they search for forbidden treats, and when they do, you may even be able to hop up into the fridge on the bottom shelf…. and then grab and run!
Now, for the important stuff. On special occasions, when there will be gatherings – like Thanksgiving- you definitely need to be on your best behavior.
(At least as far as the humans know). That way, they won’t think to put you out of the kitchen while they prepare the delicious turkey and pies with whipped cream and other delicacies that you can’t wait to get your paws on.
And don’t forget to make your presence known constantly by winding around the legs of the control person in the kitchen, meowing as pathetically as possible. Sometimes they won’t realize they just fed you ten minutes before and they’ll start giving you samples. If not, wait for them to leave and jump up and grab them for yourself!
You can always claim “Quality Control!”
If you should happen to get caught straddling the abandoned turkey while everyone’s busy in the other room, well,…